Jobs That Don’t Suck My Soul, God I Hate My Job

office-cubicles

office-cubicles

Photo Credit: The Unemployed Misfortune

 Top Tips Revealing That I Hate My Job

I hate my cubicle. I hate the jerk in the cubicle next to me. I hate everyone in all the cubicles on this floor. I am so close to walking in here one day with a gun and clearing out some of the problems with this job. However, since I know I would likely end up being someone’s bitch in prison, I do everything in my power to make it through another miserable day in this dungeon.



Here’s a look at why I hate it here and how to tell I suck at my job.

1 – The Hours

Okay, I know. When I graduated from high school I had some kind of expectation that I’d be working steady at one point in my life. I didn’t really expect that to translate to eight hours a day, five days a week. I was shooting for something along the lines of five hours a day three or four days a week. This 40-hour work week is horrible. It’s not even fun at any point in the week.

2 – The Weekends

The days off I get are not even on the weekend and rarely are they two days back-to-back. That really tears it up when you want to go out and get plastered because it’s a day off and it happens to be a Tuesday. Who gets Tuesdays off? It’s stupid. Plus, one day off is not nearly enough to get plastered and recover before having to get stuck in that cramped, smelly cubicle again.

3 – The People

I hate everyone in this building. I don’t talk to anyone in the elevator, cafeteria, staff washroom or anywhere. That’s because no one here speaks to you unless they want something. Usually that something involves extra hours with no extra pay. I am not going to fall for that again. The first five times were okay, but now I know what’s going on and it won’t happen to me again.

4 – The Meetings

I think one reason why I hate my cubicle so much is that all of us in cubicles spend far too much time in meetings discussing stupid things. Yesterday it was to decide whether or not we should sing Happy Birthday in Spanish as well as English on staff birthdays. Who cares? I don’t want to learn the Spanish words unless they say something like “this is going to be your last birthday.”



i-hate-my-job

5 – The Management

The dolts I work for don’t know how to tell I suck at my job because they actually suck more at it than I do. They claim to have the book smarts but we all know that most of them either slept their way to management or were handed the jobs on the promise of some quality sleeping with staff options on those out of town conferences none of us cubicle people get to go on.

6 – The Pay

Actually, I have nothing to bitch about here. Typically the job you hate the most pays reasonably well so the complaints are usually about things that aren’t related to wages. I get regular raises, good benefits and access to a health club on the second floor of the building. Now that I think of it, I hate my cubicle but I don’t hate my pay check. Hmm, I think today’s payday.

7 – The Computers

Well, again, I don’t really have a lot of bad things to say here, either. Sure, the company keeps us using the best computers with the most up-to-date software and sends us out to get regular upgrades when the computers do as well. I can’t play Solitaire anymore because there’s some kind of tracking software in my computer but it does a good job of keeping my email in order.

8 – The Building

It’s a state-of-the-art facility. There are security measures in place everywhere. I can’t fart without three or four departments getting a memo about it. Aside from that massive chunk of paranoia, I feel pretty safe working here. That’s because no one is going to be able to smuggle in a gun. Anthrax, however, is a slightly different matter that doesn’t show on x-ray scans.



jobs-that-dont-suck

What Can I Do To Fix My Situation?

Aside from looking for jobs that don’t suck? Hey, there are millions of them and I think that’s why I’ve never actually jumped ship in the fifteen miserable years I’ve worked here. Any job that involves a room full of cubicles is going to be the same as this one. The only difference is that the view is going to be slightly different. I’ll still have corpsie-grey skin regardless.

My Advice To You

Don’t let my stories of sunshine and roses change your mind about becoming someone’s designated worker drone. You may actually enjoy it. In fact, I strongly suggest you give it a try to see whether or not it really is your calling. At the very least, you’ll get a good idea of what kind of job you won’t want for the rest of your life so you can dodge that bullet.

However, working in a cubicle has its advantages. Naturally, I can’t think of any right now off the top of my head but I’m sure there are a few pluses to this kind of monotonous work pattern. The chairs are kind of comfy if you get one of the older models that are not ergonomically designed. The old school chairs also stand up to much more abuse and can crack open a vending machine.

How To Actually Fall In Love With Your Cubicle

Two words: Count the hours. It’s true. If you can manage working in a cubicle because you have something to look forward to once you get out of it for the day, then you’ve licked it. All you need to do is have the right attitude to get you through the day, the week and the month. Once you master that, working in a cubicle will lead you to bigger and better things.



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Jealous Mother in Law Signs – How to Guide

Jealous-Mother-in-Law-Signs

Jealous-Mother-in-Law-Signs

 

Photo Credit: martinisandmotherhood

Signs You Have A Manipulative Mother-In-Law

We know. She’s a bitch. It’s too bad because she happens to be your wife’s mother. She is going to be part of your family for at least the next thirty or forty years. Argh! How are you going to cope, especially when you see the signs your mother in law is manipulative. It’s like a cancer in the family and you can’t convince anyone else that she is what she is. That’s okay, we’re here.

Here are our top picks of the signs that will reveal that you have a jealous mother in law.

1 – Always, Always, Always, Without A Doubt, She is Right

She is a darling to your face while you are surrounded by others but when you have a little one-on-one conversation or argument with her, you know how it’s going to end. You are going to be wrong. There’s nothing you are going to be able to do about it, either. She is not going to apologize. She is not going to back down. It is her way because she is always right and never, ever wrong. Get used to it. This is going to be a long, long time.

2 – You Are An Insignificant Piece of Shit

She is going to spend time ignoring you when she isn’t spending time telling you she is right. She will not acknowledge anything you say or do. It doesn’t matter how big a deal that award was that you received from the local Rotary Club because she doesn’t care. This is just the beginning of your husband and mother in law problems so settle in and relax. It will get worse.



3 – You Will Never Measure Up

On those rare occasions when she is pleasant and actually speaking to you, she will really be speaking at you. Telling you in her cute little way that you are not good enough for her little girl. You’ll hear this throughout your marriage and possibly after the divorce. She will make a point of being the jealous mother in law without actually showing it to anyone other than you.

4 – She Will Dominate You

In her way to get her way, since she is always right, your lovely mother in law will expect you to perform little tricks that will please her. In other words, when you are anywhere in the same zip code as her, you better behave and do whatever possible to not piss her off. Or, at least that would be the game she will try to play with you. Thought your buddy had husband and mother in law problems? They will pale in comparison to the fun and games soon to fill your life.

Jealous-Mother-in-Law-Signs

 

 

Photo Credit: huffingtonpost

 



5 – Smear Campaign

On the offhand chance you fall a little short in meeting the high standards that your mother in law will impose upon you, expect her to use your failure as fodder for her. She will do everything in her power to let each and every person you have even known how much of a putz you have become since you married her little girl. It won’t be pretty and it won’t go away any time soon. She will reinvent the bad parts even if you didn’t do that yourself.

6 – Expect To Have No Respect Given To You

Another part of the sea of agony we like to call husband and mother in law problems will include respect. Well, actually, it will include the lack thereof. It won’t be you disrespecting her, either. She will bully her way into your life by ignoring all respectful boundaries. She will invade your home, work, personal, vacation and recreation space. Locks, alarms and heavy artillery cannot stop her from making moves just to keep her and her needs fresh and foremost on your mind.

7 – The Wall

If there is a silver lining in all of this, it’ll be where she will build such a thick, massive, tall and incredible wall between you and her. She will use it to withhold her approval, affection, and acknowledgement towards and of you. It’ll include those secret weapons known as the silent treatment, guilt, blame shifting and a whole host of goodies that Catwoman wished she had access to. However, as pointed out, depending on the timing, the wall could be good for you.

pamela-and-jason-voorhees-happy-mothers-day-friday-the-13th

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit: theyearofhalloween

 



Do Not Try To Do This

Think you just might try to catch some hidden video of this witch in peak performance? Don’t bother. What you see just doesn’t capture very well in video. In fact, jealous and manipulative mothers in law are a whole lot like vampires. Not only will the suck the life out of you, there are invisible when videotaped. We have no good answer as to why that is but if you did accidently snag some footage of her giving you one of her standard Academy Award shows of her being her, as soon as you got to your wife and tried to show her your cover would be blown. You’d be made out to be the bad guy and you could possibly find yourself spending a couple of nights at the local Holiday Inn just for trying to clear you name. Not that this couldn’t be the holiday you were after in the first place. You know, a vacation away from that horrible woman you have to deal with for just a few more decades.

Also, don’t try to put private investigators into the fold. They have mothers in law, too and chances are, your story is pretty lightweight compared to one of theirs. So what is your solution? Well, if you don’t see much of her in an average year, just man up and go with the flow with the knowledge that the pain you are experiencing during the time spent in her presence is only temporary. Rest assured that you will again be back on your home field and away from the torture. Also, be sure to have your wife hand you back your balls when you get home.



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How Long Can You Hold Your Pee

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need-to-pee-storiesHow long can you hold your pee?

Oh, man. You just got comfortable in the movie theater. The lights have dimmed and you’ve got a bunch of snacks and you’ve got to go pee. Try not to stare too much at that giant cup of pop you have sitting on the seat next to you. How are you going to get through this double feature without a whole lot of squirming and seat shifting?

Think about baseball! Think about your parents having sex!

Oh, right. Those don’t work with this kind of problem. That’s okay, though. Because we have a list of tips that’ll keep you so distracted that you’ll forget that you had to go pee. Ah, sorry about that. We weren’t trying to rub it in any. Anyway, here’s some help.

1 – Relax

Sure, that’s easy for us to say, we aren’t the ones desperately in need of a bathroom break. But seriously, if you concentrate on relaxing your pelvis and abdomen and doing this the same time you close the muscles around your urethra, you could buy yourself some time. At least it’ll give you another one of those great need to pee stories to share at a much better time and setting.

got pee

2 – Use Your Legs

Let’s assume that the voice in the back of your head screaming I have to pee so bad right now is fogging up your brain and you happen to be on your feet. Well, you are in luck as there is an easy solution. Just cross your legs. That’s right. Try to avoid doing the pee-pee dance and just cross your legs. Now if you are seated, this plan will not work. We repeat – it will not work.

3 – Sit Up Straight

Got pee? You bet! But when you are seated there is a method you can use that will give you a fighting chance in pushing off the urgency to whizz. It is accomplished by sitting up straight. What this does is it opens space for your insanely full bladder to fill. It takes the pressure off and if you press your thighs together you should be golden…well, unless that is a golden shower.

4 – Freeze

Here’s a wacky idea. The moment you heard that voice screaming I have to pee so bad right now, was a clue. One great way to hold it a little while longer is to just freeze in the position you were in when the idea of squeezing the lemon first hit you. If you change your positions too often, say from seated to standing, you’ll have trouble holding it much longer.

Remove term: I have to pee so bad right now I have to pee so bad right now

5 – Mind Over Matter

Here’s where you can play some mind games with yourself. Got pee? No you don’t! Tell yourself you do not require a bathroom break. Keep reinforcing the statement until you actually start to believe that the pain you are feeling in your lower gut has nothing to do with pee. Once you convince yourself you no longer have to go, chances are you won’t have to go.

6 – Condom

Okay. We don’t recommend this, but we knew someone who did this. Alright. It was us. But it was several years ago and related to a drunken party. Wear a condom. Hey, you never know but feeling something wrapped around your winky may be enough to give you the confidence that you really don’t have to take a leak. It’s not foolproof, but it may just save your life.

7 – The Tourniquet

This is one of those ideas that also must have been tested somewhere else but we read about it like it was some kind of Urban Legend or something. Using an elastic band, or that condom we just talked about, tie it around your wiener. Don’t tie it too tightly or you may become a steer. However, if done correctly, with medical precision, you could stretch your wait a little longer.

8 – The Distraction Method

We mentioned this earlier with comments about baseball and your folks doing the nasty. One really, really good way to put off having to hit the washroom is to fill your mind with other stuff. You know, things that make you think about anything other than pissing. The latest stock exchange quotes, the price of tea in China and anything else can help you forget about pee.

What Not To Do When You Need To Piss Like A Racehorse

We get it. That voice telling you I have to pee so bad right now just won’t leave you alone. It is stuck to you like a bad smell. It is everywhere you go and in everything you see. Sooner or later you are going to either cave or jump into the river so you can relieve yourself and not let on to anyone that the crazy way you’ve been acting was just because you felt like a nice cool dip.

Don’t Think About This

Waterfalls, running water, Tara Reid, the sound of that dripping faucet in the bathroom, your roommate gargling and the sound your neighbor’s dog makes when it has peanut butter stuck to the roof of its mouth. Do not, under any circumstances think of any of those things. They will make your bladder explode and this whole exercise would have been a waste of time.

Other things to keep out of your mind when you are fighting the urge to whizz include gay porn, straight porn, lesbian porn. Well, porn of any kind. Discussions about sporting injuries targeted at the groin and stories about operations that went terribly wrong in the same general area of the body. Are you still with us? Do you still have to pee? Did you make it through the movie?

You could always just order a small cup of pop and once you drain it during the movie, you could secretly um, refill it. Just be sure that you are seated somewhere where you can pull off this stupid human trick without getting caught. Getting caught whizzing in a drink cup in the back of a movie theater is a lot worse than just wetting your pants. It’s your call.

Need to pee stories – How to Whatever

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Do Children Really Need Fathers?

tribute-to-a-father

tribute-to-a-father

 Do Children Really Need Fathers?

Recently I read an interesting statement, posted somewhere online by a woman, that do children really need fathers? and a child can grow up more healthy without a father. And she was not talking abusive fathers; she was addressing normal dads.

Let’s pull a small statistics about how “not important” dads are, and we will speak again. Because we love numbers. Numbers you can’t deny. You can try and deny numbers, but you’ll only make yourself look like a fool.

  • 63% of the suicides among teenagers are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census).
  • 90% of all homeless children in the USA are from fatherless homes.
  • 85% of all children who show psychological disorders come from fatherless homes.
  • 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes.
  • 71% of all high school dropouts come from homes without fathers.

As you can see, fathers are not important, clearly. It’s better we have psychopaths, murderers, rapists and suiciders on the US streets.

I’ll not be surprised if people try and question even the US Department of Health. Logic can’t be bought. The logic you either have, or you don’t.



Also, researchers at the Columbia University found that kids living in two-parent households with a poor relationship with their father are 68% more likely to smoke, drink or drug abuse. Losers from the early age. It’s actually not funny, but kind of disturbing and very sad.

85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Fulton Co. Georgia, Texas Dept. of Correction)

There’s clearly a problem people avoid, because you probably never read this numbers, yeah? So this info is kind of hidden, not widely available. I recently found these statistics and I was totally mind=blown by the text.

Here some more food for you:

71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father. [U.S. Department of Health and Human Services press release, Friday, March 26, 1999]

And something really sad again:

43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census]

You know, smart individuals say the fathers are normally the counterweight to “mental sickness”. If the father is gone, the scales tips to the side, hitting the rock bottom.

Truth is women need a man so the family can function properly. And we’re not talking “have a man to change the bulbs and do the repairs” here. We’re talking “divorce and single-motherhood hurt the kids”. No dads = no life. Simple as that. Or no dads = lack normal life.

No dads = retarded inadequate incomplete life.



Some kids will later try and fill that “father gap” with drugs, alcohol, violence, or the best variant of all — find a father figure. This could be an older friend, 10+ years older. This could be the grandfather, uncle, cousin, brother of a friend, cousin of a friend.

If someone’s trying to fill a gap, something’s missing.

It’s so obvious.

And the other bad thing about these kinds of situations is that often children will get brainwashed by their single moms. The mom will try and slide her stupid agenda on the nothing unsuspecting kid, which will do some major damage in the long run! Or they will try to compensate the deficiency of specific traits by spoiling the kid and turning it into one huge slimy burger.

Maybe women should start dating men that have a job, want to have a job or business, are responsible, and want to have children. Maybe women should stop dating creeps and “poco locos”.

And oftentimes some women will see this and use it as an AR-15 full with ammo. They will attack with “Men need to step up and do their job” — they will twist the facts. Funny thing is most of the times exactly women initiate the divorces and the courts take children away from their fathers. Fact.

Little girls and boys both need a dad. But boys looks like take the hardest blow. Their self-esteem takes a solid hit, and it starts as early as in the middle school. And about girls, girls will look for men who hold the patterns of a “good dad”. Or they will watch too much movies. Boys on the other side will form themselves after their dads. They will look for their father’s approval in everything they do and copy that behavior, because peoples are social species that mostly learn by copying behavior (copycatting).

Nothing else is too be said for now. Only to be thought.



Tribute to a Father – How To Whatever

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What not to do; and where not to go, while on Ganja!

ganja-girl

ganja-girl

 

 

 

What not to do; and where not to go,
while on Ganja!

I’m talking about the city. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The city. There’s a city called Ganja in the country Azerbaijan. No, I’m for real. Check this out yourself.

So while visiting Ganja city, there’s a cluster of strict rules people should follow, to stay safe. It’s not mandatory, but it’s recommended by #HowToWhatever, the greatest blog on Earth.

WHAT NOT TO DO WHILE VISITING GANJA CITY?

  • Don’t talk to cops. Never talk to cops.
    Usually talking to cops is fine. They’re people too, right? And there are super cool straight up cops. I have copper-friends myself. But while in Ganja, don’t. You can get into trouble. Cops are not your friends when you’re in Ganja city. They’re working, you’re not. You’re a tourist in a foreign land. Stay someplace safe. Like home…your car.
  • Don’t drink. Don’t ever drink.
    Listen. Ganja city is enough of an interesting city. Why do you want to visit more places? What’s up with the obsession? Drinking alcohol or taking drugs while in Ganja, you can worsen your own health. Same with mixing alcohols. You can’t just go and mix vodka, beer and liquors in the same night. You’re probably going to get alcohol poisoning, or if not, you’re gonna have a hell of a ruff day the next day you wake up.
  • Don’t talk too much.
    We people are a social species. We love to communicate. Even if we claim we’re anti-social, we still have some sort of a communication going on. Child abusers have the chats where they’re anonymous and communicate with innocent kids. The serial murderers have their victims. They talk to them. I know. Everyone wants to get heard. But while in Ganja city, shut the fuck up. Just shut it. You can say things you’ll later regret. Speaking from a personal experience. Also, don’t do gifts. Some people start liking everyone so much all of a sudden. And they’ll later regret the random expensive gift they just gave to a random person on the streets.
  • Don’t do math. Seriously, don’t.
    Trying to solve sophisticated mathematical problems is the last thing you want to do while in Azerbaijan, Ganja city. The brain won’t function correctly, and men can’t even multitask. So you’re gonna get things messed up pretty badly. Yes, you can do music and paint. You can art. But you can never math.
  • Don’t carry too much money on you, and don’t carry expensive electronics.
    No, I’m not underestimating your ability to keep your shit together. But I’m underestimating your ability to understand how biology works and how we humans have zero control over our brain functions when our electrical waves are impaired. You can lose expensive stuff and you won’t remember where. When in Ganja city, everything’s a movie. And you’re watching randomly selected scenes from a badly cut film. Don’t carry things on you that you don’t want to lose and won’t get over them if you do. Carry a beater phone, a few dollars, and your ID.
  • Don’t fight. Don’t get into arguments.
    Because you’re going to fail miserably. People say you’re gonna get the high boost and become a fierce warrior, but the only thing that’ll happen is your coordination will be impaired, and when in Ganja city, you’ll have the sound and probably the color hallucinations. Depends on the amount of Ganja you took. You could even have more severe symptoms, like nausea, heavier hallucinations, drowsiness. Don’t get your ass kicked in a fight.

WHERE NOT TO GO IN GANJA CITY?

  • When under the influence of Ganja city, don’t go swimming on the beach, especially at night.
    I’m not disputing your ability to swim, because you may very well be the swimming champion of the world, but when in the Ganja, don’t. Especially at night on unregulated beaches without lifeguards. A swift tide can pull you towards the sea and you can say goodbye to mamma.
  • Don’t climb anything, buildings, etc.
    Understand and remember this. Ganja is your friend. Ganja is to help you escape. Ganja is to enlighten you. Ganja is to help you go through your problems easily and give you strength. Ganja is not to make you Spider Man. If you want to parkour around the block, now’s not the time, dumbass.
  • Don’t travel long distances, to other towns or cities.
    Yes, you can drive. Especially if you have “training”. But going on a long distance, or even at night which is notably worse, you must be a complete moron. Because if a truck driver falls asleep and swings his 20-ton truck towards your pretty soft neck, it will break your neck like a dry German pretzel, and you won’t even understand what just happened because of greeny-green Mary awesome Jane.
  • Don’t visit your parents, or your GF or wife’s parents.
    Please, don’t make a fool outta yourself. Don’t embarrass yourself. You may think for a second you have the world at your hands, but it’s a false sense of security and power that’ll play a bad joke at you. You’re incompetent at making a good judgment when visiting the Ganja, Azerbaijan.
  • Don’t go to work if you’re not self-employed, or if people depend on you.
    I’m a writer. I stay in my office, I chill, I write. Don’t look at me. Don’t. I can smoke the whole world. You can’t. If you’re a doctor, you can’t while you’re on the job. You can get in jail, but that’s the least of your problems. The moral values, they matter. They make us who we are. Morals help us to not be animals.
  • Don’t go to the Zoo.
    This might sound retarded and like a super corny joke, but it’s real. A guy from my old city, the idiot hit a few blunts and then he decided to muscle with the bear. The bear didn’t perceived his hostile behavior as normal, and as you can already imagine, rekt the shit out of him. Rest in peace, unknown stoner person.

And we hate people to tell us what not to do. So what can we do?

Have sex, because it’ll multiply by 50 times. Play games. Have fun. Dance. Listen to some music, loud music, because the music will now sound not like a Dolby 7.1, but like a Dolby From Another Dimension 50.50

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Why we Americans really need guns?

self-defense

self-defense

 

Why we Americans really need guns?

That was the most trending question and respectively the trending phrase of the year 2017. People are talking about all those mass shootings and similar incidents. “Let’s ban firearms; firearms are bad” the left spoke. And these incidents were happening during Obama’s term, and they continue to happen now under the President Trump. But normal people and I can’t understand one little thing. If we for example go and ban or at least restrict some or all the guns, introduce stricter gun control and background checks everywhere, this changes what exactly? Some will say it does change everything.

But have you read the news around the world lately?

Not so while ago a regular lorry (a small truck) went full rage in a pedestrian area in the beautiful seaside city of Nice, in France. The victims were a lot, 87 dead and 434 injured to be exact, and nobody blamed the guns then, because France has already had a very strict gun control adopted for many years now.

So if anyone can acquire a truck and then plow into innocent bystanders and tourists, terrorists don’t even need guns anymore. Terrorists and criminals can easily get their hands on trucks, which are way more easily acquirable.

To get an untraceable a gun on the other side, a gun with which you’ll commit the crime, you will need to have a criminal background and the connections to get a carbine or a rifle. Illegally sold weapons on the black market are hard to get, if you have zero criminal connections. And these guns cost a lot. Criminals and dealers are afraid too. They’re human after all. And what are the pros of gun control? Zero. And what are the cons of gun control? A lot. Anyone can get a truck and run over people. But if one of these poor souls had a gun, things might have been different. Stop the truck in the beginning of the attack for example!

France is the perfect example of a failed state and having twisted laws on all paragraphs. Let’s not forget Charlie Hebdo’s savage attack. Then only because some French Editors at a local newspaper had a few laughs, made a light joke about Islam, provoked a group of ISIS members who launched an attack and murdered a few people, including a police officer, who was also a Muslim. And it’s most of the times not about Islam. These people use Islam as a mask, to hide behind. The French police officer got shot in broad daylight, the video is still online, you can see that here:



He got shot in the head, with an AK47, a very powerful rifle. So people filmed that from their balconies, instead of going and helping. And I don’t blame them. They will help with what exactly? Sticks and stones, spoons and balloons?

But to the question, why this article, and why this title…

What if instead of a smartphone, the man holding the camera, had a rifle, a pistol, and returned fire. A live could’ve been saved. And if other people gave just a little bit of a resistance, people would’ve been alive, families would’ve been saved.

A gun does not kill people. People kill people. The same as trucks, because an inanimate object does not kill people. A Volvo truck does not kill people. That’s not Stephen King’s the movie Maximum Overdrive when a group of people try to survive when machines start to come alive and become homicidal and trucks run over people. Trucks do not kill people. People kill people.

So that’s why we Americans, even if it’s only me, because I’m an American, will keep our guns, and bear our arms, and hold our knives. I will have my .45 Colt, and my family will have the 9×19 Parabellum. And they will only pull that gun away out of my dead cold hands.

Because it’s not always about me, or about you. It’s about other people too. This even rhymes. And it rhymes good. Because it’s not always about me, or about you. It’s about other people too. Jesus, that was an unexpected. I should become a writer. That is no coincidence.

So yes, you can become a witness to everything. In every moment. And this will be on your conscience. That you only filmed it. A death of a child. A bullet that your family will take, in the cinema where you watched a movie. You only filmed it. Filming is power, right?

Because the weapon of the 21st century is the smartphone camera phone. And you shoot, yes, you shoot. Shoot your videos. And then ask “Do we Americans really need guns?”.

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How To Talk To Your Kids About Sex?

man-love-woman

man-love-woman

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.thesun.co.uk

How to Tell Your Kids – What’s Sex?

And there it comes the moment your children are not children anymore. Technically they’re still children, and they’re your children, but they’re not children children anymore, you feel me?

The noises from our bedroom, sometimes we can’t just stop this. It doesn’t work like that. It’s human nature. And children may hear something. Because children first of all hate sleeping, and second-able, little brats love snooping around and overhearing conversations. They’re exploring the new world and who can blame them, nosy motherfuckers.

But a responsible parent will ask himself this question:
“How to tactfully tell my baby that I’m fucking mommy?”

Without dealing permanent damage to the kid, of course. Well, what a question. I don’t think there’s an universal law about this. Being vulgar and explaining biology to your own kin using bad words and profanity I think is the worst way to do it.

I for example never asked anyone. I just figured that out myself. Internet and my outside environment, friends and school taught me everything I needed to know. But again, it’s different. Some kids will directly ask why is daddy beating mommy and mommy’s screaming. Go explain that you’re beating her with your c*ck. That’s a crappy situation indeed.

The “birds and the bees” talk is one that parents often delay as long as possible. Learning about sex is a normal part of every child’s development, and “answering your little brat’s questions in an honest way is the best strategy”… they say in blogs in forums.

Yes, you can read about that in every single website out there because what websites do is — a bunch of editors with skinny funny fingers just copy material one from each other, which is just pathetic. But that’s not every single blog out there! This is HOW TO WHATEVER, the greatest place on Earth!

You came here to learn, and you came here to see a different opinion, and find a solution to your life troubles! You didn’t come here to get your situation sugar-coated by a dude. You came here to become better! Not stay an idiot.

So what’s the best play here?

It’s difficult not to cringe when your daughter asks you for a first time what’s “an anal bead”, or is “Alabama hot pocket” a delicious fucking meal. No, it’s not.

And don’t fucking ask me next time. Jesus fucking christ. You have the internet, darling.

Explaining your children cringe-worthy sexual stuff is a great way to make them feel so uncomfortable and never ask you anything again; never share anything with you. Even when they grow old. I’m pretty sure your daughter won’t be expecting to hear how that Alabama hot pocket is made. By opening up the lips and taking a shit inside. You just went and ruined your own girl’s innocence by explaining to her what an Alabama hot fucking pocket is. “You just open up mommy’s bird, and you take a shit inside.” No. You just don’t explain that to your children. And I don’t think there’s a proper way to explain that. You can’t just substitute words. You can’t say shit is chocolate, because it’s not. You can’t explain that your doongle is just a long stick that’s poking mommy and making her cream all around.

So just tell them to check themselves. 6-year old kids now browse the internet. It’s the 2018, christ. So just let them Google it. They’ll be embarrassed, but at least they’d be embarrassed at themselves, not at yourself. It won’t be directed toward you. And I’m pretty sure they’ll either never Google that again, not in the next 5 years at least, or they will be intrigued and read more, educate themselves. So next time, instead of asking you, they’ll just read. Reading is good. Nobody reads anymore, which is sad. Here, two bunnies with one bullet. You just not only educated your child by doing exactly nothing, but also showed him how to learn himself, herself. Student’s love. Nothing better than feeling the greatest feel in the world, that you did, or learned something by yourself.

And, maybe it’s three bunnies with one bullet. Because asking weird stuff is never okay. Imagine your son asking the school teacher “what’s fucking”? Kids should know what being diplomatic, delicate, discreet is. And again, if not the internet, friends will teach your lil’ brat. Better than you teaching him. When he or she grows, yeah, you can talk. If they initiate it first. But don’t invade anyone’s privacy just for the “sake of education”.

And relax. Don’t start cussing at me yet. I’m pretty sure around 98.5% of the people around the world got their information from friends, not family. What about orphans?

Relax, bro. Everything’s gonna be fine. Everything’s gonna fall on its place. They have sex classes in some of the schools nowadays. I had one, but I already knew it all.

The nature has a weird way of auto correcting everything. A great balancing mechanism that never leaves anyone not knowing basic things.

And your kid’s probably reading this blog now. If not, tell your kid to read. So it can understand, mommy’s screaming cos’ she’s happy, not because she’s hurting.

 

How To Whatever, greatest blog on Earth

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Top #15 Wicked Horror Movies (Will Make You Shit Your Pants)

Photo Credit: www.the80smovieclub.co.uk 

Old but good, like they say.


For some of you this would be the “Top #10 Horror Movies to Watch Again”, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s worth it after all. The title refers to both women and men, both children and adults. And let’s be honest here, who doesn’t love to shit his pants from time to time? Extreme sports are so popular for a reason. People absolutely love to feel SCARED. And even boring people love ADRENALINE. Because we need to let off the pressure once in a while. We drive fast cars, boats, we do martial arts, we did all sorts of stupid shit when we were kids, and we continue doing stupid shit so we can only VENT.

And you also don’t want to get the CANCER, because introverts are more likely to get ill or develop a mental illness; even extroverts. Excess negative emotions are like poison to our organisms and are slowly harming us, without we even knowing it. So if you’re not into extreme sports, from time to time you need to watch a sick scary movie and totally shit your pants. Fill your pants with a bit of brown-brown. You’ll feel better, we promise.

And no, watching movies, even horrors, is NOT an unpleasant emotion. If it was, nobody was going to watch them, and let me tell you, brother, business is a boomin’! Producers and movie production corporations are launching new and cooler blockbusters every day, and almost every single modern Sci-Fi movie has a lot of jumpscares, so really almost all expensive movies fall under the “horror” genre as well.

Take PROMETHEUS featuring Michael Fassbender and Noomi Rapace for example. And the sequel to the first part — ALIEN: COVENANT, again with the German legend Michael Fassbender. Combining best of the two worlds — a good amount of Sci-Fi paired with “shit your pants” type of horror. These two movies are absolutely sick. That’s why these two honorably take the #1 in our Top #15 list. We’re putting the two movies in one place…so we can open up more space for more sick films.

1. PROMETHEUS (2012) + ALIEN: COVENANT (2017)

 

 

 

 

 

photo credit: www.denofgeek.com 

The story basically tells us about the creation of humanity. A group of advanced aliens created the first man. Then, somewhere in time, for unknown reasons, they decided to wipe humanity from the face of the Earth. That didn’t go well. The aliens were going to use the bio weaponry but they unsuspectingly activated the biological warfare payload which ended their mission and so they never killed the humans. Years later, probably thousands of years later, an expedition in open space, by humans, finds a planet, and finds all the truth. And then something gruesome happens. I’m not going to tell you more. But the movies are sick. You categorically have to watch them.

2. 28 DAYS LATER (2002) + 28 WEEKS LATER (2007)


 

 

 

 

 

photo credit: www.contentful.com 

Zombies, man. Zombies. And these Zombies are fucking fast, not like the ones in The Walking Dead or other non-realistic film productions. And the Zombies in this British movie are faster than humans. They’re ferocious, even more ferocious than Mike Tyson in his prime. So much action. The movies are super dynamic. The soundtrack on both of the movies is a masterpiece. The movies deserve to get some high watchtime only because of the soundtrack itself. Sends you the message “It’s really over, isn’t it?”. It’s also featuring big names like JEREMY RENNER (Avengers, The Bourne Legacy, Mission: Impossible, The Town, The Hurt Locker, Wind River, etc).

3. DEAD ALIVE (1992)


photo credit: www.thegoresplatteredcorner.com 

For sure, a gory movie not for everyone. It’s wrong on so many paragraphs. You won’t expect what’s coming to you. The sickness level is too high with this one. Listen to this plot. A young man’s mother is bitten by a rat-monkey. She gets sick and dies, at which time she comes back to life, killing and eating dogs and nurses. Wow. Prepare yourself for some really hardcore bloody bloodshed. Classic.

4. THE SKELETON KEY (2005)

Inspired by true events. A mind blowing horror that’ll keep you on your toes until the very end. This unknown for many movie is such a great horror because it is so UNJUST. And the pressure is actually on a very high level during the whole production, which can’t be seen very often. Made from the creator of the movie K-PAX (starring Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges), you can expect high quality content with this one too! The Skeleton Key movie is about voodoo magic, African magic, and all that spooky stuff. The ending is terrifying and it will make you shit your pants big time.

5. THE BABADOOK (2014)

This is probably my personal favorite. Because it made me shit my pants so hard, man. So hard, legend has it, I still have shit stains on my white boxers. The Babadook is an Aussie (Australian) legend, and people say it’s actually real; a real true story. Basically you open up a book, a specific book, and once you open that book, something like a pamphlet really, you release something very dark and creepy, a demon of some kind. And this thing, human-ish looking, has this huge claws… Man, so big and so fucking sharp, Freddy Krueger’s nails look like baby fingers compared to the Babadook. And the Babadook thing was only snucking itself through the shadows. It was lurking in the dark, and then slowly pulling himself out of the shadows. And the voice it had. Bone-chilling. Don’t watch this movie with YOUR KIDS! It can, and most certainly it will, seriously damage any child’s nervous system. Watch with a hot girl, GF or wife so she can tightly snug into you. Because she’ll be shitless scared.

6. THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985)

photo credit: www.wickedhorror.com 

A classic American horror comedy film. The film tells the story of how a warehouse owner accompanied by his two employees, mortician friend, and a group of teenage punks, deal with the accidental release of a horde of brain-hungry zombies onto an unsuspecting town. The film is known for introducing the popular concept of zombies eating brains, as opposed to just eating human flesh, like previous zombie masterpieces. Some people say that’s the greatest sick movie of all times. You decide yourself. If you haven’t watched it, go and do it.

7. WRONG TURN (ALL THE FILM SERIES)

photo credit: www.wallpapercave.com

This one might not be so scary for the die hard horror fans out there, but it’s an absolute vintage classic from the modern age times, and it must be seen by everyone! Or seen again! The first part is obviously the best one, which is a pattern with movies lately. Good movies are ruined after the writers’ ideas run out, but the producers want to keep manufacturing movies nevertheless. The Wrong Turn movies are about a bunch of hillbilly creeps that live in no man’s land, deep in the woods, can’t even fucking walk properly, but like human flesh for some kooky reason, and eat people, boil them and shit. Medical student Chris Flynn (Desmond Harrington) drives through the mountains of West Virginia on his way to a business meeting, but a chemical spill on the road ahead forces him to take a different route. After being distracted for a moment, he collides with another car that is stopped in the middle of the road since its tires have been punctured by a piece of barbed wire. And this is how it starts. Watch it! These bow waving, knife slashing, axe wielding inbred mothefuckers will help you not sleep tonight. Or maybe sleep like a baby. It depends. Second, third and fourth parts are pretty good too.

8. THE HILLS HAVE EYES (2006) + THE HILLS HAVE EYES II (2007)

photo credit: www.wescraven.com 

Again a bunch of crazed inbreds killing a group of soldiers, then severing their arms and legs and eating them, then taking the women, raping the female American soldiers. The inbred were so sleazy, dirty, smelly, disgusting, that made the sex scenes so insanely twisted. Yeah, there was sex scenes! Gruesome, blood-soaked, and in the same time — kind of funny and fascinating. The first part earned exactly $15.5 million in its opening weekend in the U.S., where it was originally rated NC-17 for strong gruesome violence. And the other part was about a nuclear site in Nevada or whatever, and because the inbreds refused to leave their homes, or just the military wasn’t aware that people still lived there, these creeps mutated and started eating people. I don’t remember which part was which, but you can watch them in the order they were released. The sights are pretty awesome too. Action is in the desert… Desolate. Deserted.

9. GHOST SHIP (2002)

Every time I watch this movie, I enjoy it more and even more! It’s a good super creepy horror that I don’t think is a let down at all. Ghost Ship is an exciting supernatural thriller that delivers some frightening chills. The story follows the crew of a salvage vessel that discovers a derelict passenger liner that went missing in 1962, however it turns out not to be as deserted as they thought when they start seeing the ghosts of dead passengers. Opening scene… I’m telling you, opening scene makes it a well-worth watch.

10. SILENT HILL (2006)


Composed around a series of blackouts and disgusting moments, Silent Hill is one surrealistic piece of craft and it will hopefully drive you to impressive nightmares. And the movie is based on true events. Desolate roads, gas and smoke coming out of the ground, people sinking into the ground – no this isn’t a description of a scene from a horror film. It’s every day life in Centralia, Pennsylvania, a wrecked abandoned town that’s been on fire since the year 1962. And Centralia is still on fire! A haunting event that inspired people to make a movie out of it. It was a coal mining town. By the 1950’s, around 2,000 people lived in Centralia. Then in May of 1962, the mine caught fire. The fire was believed to have started when the town decided to burn the trash at the landfill. The trash fire traveled through an opening in the mine where it ignited the large coal deposits below. Feeding off of coal and the oxygen traveling through the mine shaft openings on the surface, the fire only became bigger. For the next 16 years, the town attempted to extinguish a fire just below their feet. But no matter how hard they tried, another bunch of toxic smoke and fire came out of the ground. An atmospheric, disturbing and bloody movie, same as the harsh reality around this place.

11. ORPHAN (2009)


Bloody wicked movie. You can kind of feel the spirit of the 70’s through the TV, even if the action unravels in modern times. It’s different. Chilling and brilliantly made movie. The movie while not the bloodiest of all horrors, there are moments where the tension builds insanely and you’re suddenly found on the edge of your seat. A very unsettling movie. I personally didn’t expect what happened at the end. Nothing supernatural, just reality, and a very, very sick plot.

12. HOSTEL (2005)

photo credit: www.horrorfreaknews.com

After watching this movie, you’ll never stay at a hostel somewhere abroad, and you’ll never probably travel to Europe, or Eastern Europe anyways! The movie is shot in the Eastern European country called Czechia, or the Czech Republic. In reality, it’s shot there. But in the movie, the action is happening in a country called Slovakia, which is basically the same, since there was a country called Czechoslovakia, not so while ago. Czechoslovakia existed during the Nazis, during the Communism, and way before these two regimes, de facto. If you never watched this movie, you missed so much! Director: Eli Roth, also known as the Bear Jew, from the Inglourious Basterds. He’s the director of the well known movie Cabin Fever from 2002, and a co-director of the chef d’oeuvre — the Inglourious Basterds. It starts out as a stupid sex comedy film for a while before things get uncomfortable and superbly and unbearably cruel. In the last minutes the film goes super crazy, super cruel. But you don’t mind watching someone’s eye hanging out of their socket, correct?

13. HOUSE OF WAX (2005)

photo credit: www.thewolfmancometh.com

Warner Bros. Pictures. Box office: $32,000,000. Hell of a movie. A road trip to the biggest college football championship of the year takes a turn for a bunch of college kids. Really great horror film. And there’s a wax museum in the movie. There’s something really creepy in the wax museums, don’t you agree? And the fighting scenes are wicked. A lot of bloody fighting scenes. Oh, yeah. And Paris Hilton got killed. The real Paris Hilton. Slow paced, but quite entertaining movie.

14. SHROOMS (2007)

photo credit: www.thewolfmancometh.com


Girls, drugs, sex, and something went wrong. Filmed in Ireland. Truly scary and very dark disturbing movie. A real thriller since there’s no way you can guess how it ends. If you liked Wrong Turn, you’ll love the Shrooms.

15. 1408 (2007)

photo credit: www.filmschoolrejects.com 

 

Renowned horror novelist Mike Enslin believes only in what he can see with his own two eyes. After a string of bestsellers and debunking and making fun about paranormal events in the most infamous haunted houses and graveyards around the world, he has no real proof of anything and he’s arrogant. And because of his arrogance — he’ll pay. A genuinely disturbing breathtaker. This exciting film is based on the terrifying story by Stephen King. 1408 become the highest-grossing horror film of Stephen King’s career. And if you were in the place of the main character, you would probably shit your pants hard. Watch it. Stephen King is no joke, fellas.

And by the way…

All movies were randomly sorted, so the #1 is not the best, and the #15 is not the worst; but they are all the same — weird and disturbing. And don’t forget to come back and comment, what made you flinch.

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How to prepare for the upcoming collapse (The Apocalypse)?

hunger-games

hunger-games

How to prepare for the upcoming collapse(The Apocalypse)?

 

There was a book I read. The book was made by James Wesley Rawles, who is a best-selling American author, best known for his survivalist-genre.

Patriots: A Novel of Survival in the Coming Collapse.

America faces a full-scale socioeconomic collapse — the stock market plummets, hyperinflation cripples commerce and the mounting crisis passes the tipping point. Practically overnight, the fragile chains of supply and high-technology infrastructure fall, and wholesale rioting and looting grip every major city.

As hordes of refugees and looters pour out of the cities, a small group of friends living in the Midwest desperately tries to make their way to a safe-haven ranch in northern Idaho. The journey requires all their skill and training since communication, commerce, transportation and law enforcement have all disappeared. Once at the ranch, the group fends off vicious attacks from outsiders and then looks to join other groups that are trying to restore true Constitutional law to the country.

The most interesting thing inside the book was the invasion. After the first wave of looting and civil unrest, the invasion happened. The invading force was consisted of NATO forces and the main purpose of the invasion was to break the free spirit of the American people and force them into supporting some weirdos. The weirdos wanted to exploit the people, take all their guns, you know, the regular stuff. The main wave was consisted of Germans (German NATO forces), then the Belgians came. All of them had armored vehicles and heavy machinery. And big guns.

So is this scenario really believable?

Trump wants to jump on North Korea. Hurricanes have been harassing us for years. Earthquakes around us in Mexico. Global warming. Terrorists bomb France, Germany, England and Russia. And that’s just for the last 6 months. Just imagine what will happen in the next 5 or 10 years. So yes, a collapse is very possible. At least an economic collapse and the fall of the US dollar. And marauders will come after that.

The world seems it’s coming to an end.
Should we be concerned?

Yes, you should. People have been building bunkers and underground facilities even from the Iron Age. They used caves then. Prehistoric people used to dig up caves and holes in the ground and hide their wives and children there while on the hunt or when at war. Every President has his own bunker now, etc.

It’s not a craze. It’s crucial for survival. Other extravagant people have towers, and tree houses are becoming more trending with the years. It’s easy to build a house tree out of wood, and you can hide it pretty good from bad people. The natural camouflage of the trees and forests will work in your advantage too.

People will think I went full looney bin crazy.

Being a “survivalist” could make you look like a crazy hobo. Like everything else that’s not suited for “city boys and girls”. People have a perception for “normal”, and for the average hillbilly, you wearing a suit and tie could mean the very same thing. But if you hide your intentions and quietly prepare for SHTF (when S h*t H its T he F an), I don’t think you’d have a problem.

Also, it’s very important to hide your intentions anyways, if you’re prepping. Because being a “prepper” will make you a number one target for 2 main reasons:

1. You could be a threat to someone if you’re well armed and trained. Greater threats are firstly
eliminated.
2. Having resources, food, water, firearms, ammo, knives, technology, clothes, vehicles that can be taken
from you.

Why would anyone want to steal from me? We have guns. We will shoot.

For the same reason the prisons are full. Not all stupid people are bad, but maybe 50% of the stupid people on this world are arrogant. And high arrogance leads to uncalculated decisions. The perp is mainly driven by his clouded judgment that he’s superior and will win at all times. Sometimes “with the help of God”.

I can give you a fine example immediately. Hitler invaded Russia and declared war on the United States, both at the same time. He clearly was thinking he could win the war and put Russia on its knees and then the US would just “resign”. That’s clearly delusional. You can’t just win a war against the whole world incl. against a whole bunch of European countries, Canada, Australia and many other.

Power leads to biased judgments, people.

How to start preparing?
What should I buy?

You’ll need the so called “Go-bag” or a “Bug-out bag”, also called the “BOB”. That backpack, pack or satchel normally has the items you would require to survive for at least 72 hours. Or you can stuff it and survive for more than 72 hours. It’s a personal choice. The bag must be always fully equipped so you can quickly grab it and escape. If there’s an earthquake, you need to react fast. You don’t have time to pick up your clothes or make sandwiches!

#HowToWhatever recommends you keep these items in your home, or at your bunker / tree house / man cave, starting from top to bottom in the order of importance from high to low priority:

1. Cold Steel folding knife with a Tri-Ad Lock locking mechanism. Preferably something bigger like the Cold Steel Rajah II or the Cold Steel Spartan. You can also pick up a Busse fixed knife with INFI steel. Swamp Rat and Scrap Yard are fine too, since it’s basically the same company, but a different division. It’s a family run company and a few of the family members have the other divisions. The price is a tad high, but for a reason. The heat treatment on these is insane. You can’t break them. Nobody does. Doesn’t matter how cold it is. You can’t dull that easily either. Cold Steels are also insane. Andrew Demko’s patented design is something you have to bow down to! The folding knife now becomes a fixed blade.

You can survive without a duct tape, but you can’t survive without a knife. You need to be able to cut bandages, cut tape, cut sailcloth, clothes, fabric, chop wood, dig ground, while it’s not so recommended because sand can, and it will dull your blade out; and for self-defense and hunting of course.

Get a spare knife too. You need 2, just in case, if you lose it or if it breaks.

P.S. The Swamp Rat Ratmandu is a good affordable model. Not too big to carry.

The Finnish people have a proverb saying: “A knifeless man is a lifeless man.”

2. Powerful flashlight with around 1,000 or more lumens of power. You can pick any of the renowned brands: NiteCore, JetBeam, Olight, Fenix, Klarus, EagleTac, etc. that use Li-Ion Rechargeable 18650 batteries. The high quality batteries are expensive, but if you want your flashlight to function properly, get expensive like NiteCore, Olight, EagleTac, etc.

Get a spare flashlight if the first one malfunctions. I had a ZebraLight that stopped working after a week of light usage. A manufacturer defects happen even within the best products. Do you really think Rolex watches don’t malfunction? Come on!

3. Charger for your batteries. You can buy the Nitecore Digicharger D4 charging device. It can simultaneously charge up to 4 big batteries. And buy spare 18650 batteries for your flashlights. The Digicharger is very well made.

4. A pistol, rifle, carbine, whatever you can get your hands on. Don’t have too much because you won’t be able to carry it. A pistol like the H&K USP in .45 or 9×19 and a single AR-15 carbine is fine. And ammo. Get ammo!

5. Silver and gold. I’m not sure why, but even “aliens used to collect it”, some people say. Gold is one the best electrical conductors on Earth and it has very high corrosion resistance. Silver is the best electrical conductor (conductivity refers to the ability of a material to transmit energy). So not only silver has the highest thermal conductivity of any element, but it also has the highest light reflectance. You can buy investment gold or silver. They sell those in the form of bars, coins, and others. You can trade that for other goods like guns or food. People will always need gold and silver, even unbelievers that think gold and silver are worthless junk. They will want it because secretly they will believe when the collapse ends soon, they’ll be rich. And if the collapse never ends, these are still precious metals. Your computer and smartphone have a few grams of gold and silver probably. All the motherboards and circuit boards have it.

6. Medicine and antibiotics. Clearly you’ll need that. While viral infections go on their own and you can’t treat them with anything than Tamiflu (Oseltamivir), you’ll still need antibiotics for the bacterial infections that constantly attack our bodies. During a collapse, the hygiene will be at a very low in specific areas and regions, many people won’t have the opportunity to shower, so that’s why you will need medicine. The Tamiflu by the way is pretty expensive and is an antiviral medication used to treat and prevent only influenza A and influenza B. Just get standard antibacterial antibiotics and vitamins.

7. Good bag and backpack like the Maxpedition. You need a good strong bag with thick stitches so your stuff won’t fall out. The last thing you want is to leave your stuff out in the open, free for people. Yes, there are more expensive options out there, but Maxpedition is fine for most of the people. And the really advanced preppers like military, ex-military and special forces probably won’t be reading this articles for life tips, so. You can get the Maxpedition Falcon or Condor bag, and get an additional Maxpedition Doppelduffel bag. The Doppelduffel can also be carried as a regular backpack (it has straps).

8. Robust off-road SUV for heavy terrain. You’ll need to get out as soon as possible. Out of town. You’ll need to get your family out. Regroup with friends or other known groups. Walking by foot is something really retarded. You will most certainly meet other people that can end you then and there. A short chaotic burst of AK47 rounds is a 99.9% sure way to put you down for good. You get shot in the hand, you’re done. It will infect, it will cause you massive pain, you’ll bleed, you won’t be able to hold a weapon, prepare food, or chop wood. You’re proper done, mate.

So get a vehicle.

#HowToWhatever recommends the Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen (older models from 1985–1999). The G-Wagon is the only vehicle that comes with 100% locking differentials out of the factory. It’s heavy, it has solid and even more heavier metal bumpers, it’s a massive car built for the German Army. The company that does the G-class is the Austrian Magna Steyr firearms manufacturer. Yes, a gun company that does cars for Mercedes-Benz. You heard that right. You can get through everything with this vehicle. It demands respect and scares thugs off. Less plastic, more metal. Heavy sturdy build. Has back and front metal bumpers. It’s big and boxy and can carry a lot of your prepps, and gallons of water. It has a big fuel tank. The differentials, if you ever saw one, the metal on these is so thick. They obviously didn’t spare the metal. The gearboxes are “a million mile”.

Stars like Justin Biebs drive G-Wagons around Hollywood Boulevard because they want to look ruff and tuff, but there’s more about this car than this. Grab a pair of BFGoodrich All Terrains and you’re ready to go in deep snow and not that deep mud, but still — mud. Or Mud Terrains for mud, but not that much snow. They won’t be able to grip good.

You can equip it with a winch too, just in case you need to pull yourself out of a mud pit.

The G-Wagons are expensive, more than the Jeep Wrangler, or the Bronco. Way more. But there’s areason for that too. A hell of a good reason. And the design hasn’t been changed for 40 years. Wonderwhy! They also come with massive engines. The G500 has a V8 petrol engine. You’re driving a tank forthe equivalent of a couple of bucks.

See a few videos below of the action:




SUV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Paracord. You can’t just go without a paracord rope. You can make real climbing rope out of it, by the way. You can prepare food, make snare traps, catch bunnies, foxes, make human traps, create a shelter, isolate your shelter, make tents, everything. Get a lot of paracord. You’ll need a ton of it. And it’s cheap.

More about the paracord:

Parachute cord (also paracord or 550 cord when referring to type-III paracord) is a lightweight nylon kernmantle rope originally used in the suspension lines of parachutes. This cord is useful for many other tasks and is now used as a general purpose utility cord by both military personnel and civilians. This versatile cord was even used by astronauts during the 82nd Space Shuttle mission to repair the Hubble Space Telescope.

10. Hydration system like CamelBak. And a bunch of water purifying tablets. Having water with you is crucial. The hydration system lets you carry water on your back (3 liters). And you can drink while on the go. You can also use the same hydration pack for showering. Just fill it with water, position the nozzle, and shower in the woods like a boss, no problem.

11. Compass. If you don’t know where you’re going, what are you exactly doing? You can purchase a metal durable compass like the NDUR for $15.

12. Magnesium Fire Starter. So you can start your fire, as many times as you like. Yes, you can prepare fire like an neanderthal, but you’ll damage your palms and hands, and it takes a ton of time. And what if it’s wet and rain won’t stop pouring? Good luck, bro. Just grab a $10 magnesium flint lighter.

13. Spyderco pocket sharpener. If you can carry the Spyderco Tri-Angle sharpener — that’s great, man. If not, get a pocket sharpener, a small ceramic tile from Spyderco. It’s super small and light and costs nothing.

14. A Victorinox multi tool. A full sized one, not the Swiss little knife-y thing. Don’t buy Leatherman. I know they’re American, but the locking plates on the Charge TTI break for example, and the smaller models bend like rubber.

Everything else is not mandatory. You can survive without every little small thing people recommend you to have at all times. You don’t need sun lotion when people are trying to shoot you in the lungs.

As a bonus, if you have enough space, and you’re not walking by foot and have a car, you can get these things to make your life easier:

1. A shovel
2. An axe
3. More water
4. A lot of food
5. A pile of duct tape
6. Scissors
7. Super glue
8. Wet wipes
9. Cotton for fire starting and medicinal purposes
10. Rubbing alcohol
11. A graffiti spray in vivid color, so you mark trees and roads and signal
12. A signaling mirror
13. A whistle
14. Needles and thread
15. Mechanix gloves
16. Gore-Tex clothes and jackets
17. Gore-Tex boots
18. Tampons (for blood stopping; you can also temporarily plug a bleeding artery)

 

And so on.

See you on the other side! On the good side I hope.

gemini_tanker_blue_black gemini_green_green_black KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

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Cuba: Give me my cigar and car!

audi-main

audi-main

Credit and special thanks: www.designboom.com

 

 

Cuba: Give me my cigar and car!

Did you know that Cubans couldn’t buy cars 2 years ago? New cars. Not like they had no money; they had! Cabbies make a fortune in Cuba. A Taxi driver gets paid more than an Architect or Pilot. True story. But the Cuban Government banned their own citizens from buying new vehicles.

So the big question is “what did they drive, man”? And why? Why?…

They drove, and still drive up to this day, old American muscle, and Lada cars. Ladas. Lol. And I’m not laughing about the Ladas, or the Muscles, that’s for sure. I’m just laughing…how can anyone ban you from having a new car? Like, even North Koreans can buy Audis, BMWs and Fiats and other Western cars. This doesn’t change anything. The Government can still control you, not a problem. Maybe the didn’t want to show the people that the West was doing okay. I don’t know. You can check yourself. No European cars in Cuba though. Now they can acquire some Euro goodies, yeah, but the years of massive and super hard brainwash has dealt the damage to the poor Cuban people. Unfortunate.

red-mercedes

 

black-bmw

 

black-benz

 

old-volvo

 

benz-s-class

 

See the photos from above? You can see a bunch of Mercedes-Benz 190s in burgundy red, a beautiful black BMW 5-series, also called the E39, on the 3rd photo — there’s an expensive Mercedes-Benz S-Class (W221), and in the time the photo was taken, was brand new! 100K grand. You can also see a Volvo, and an old S-class which can cost up to $30,000 USD here in the States. North Koreans have better cars, and newer, which is absurd! Because North Korea still has the communism! And Cuba — not really! After Fidel Castro’s death, Cubans can now buy whatever they like.

And let me tell you that, Cubans love cars. Cubans love cigars. But they could only have cigars. I will be surprised if there was no ban on cigars too. Will never know I guess. Some hidden ban on cigars. So they can only export.

It really looks so SURREAL. From the outside, for us Americans and other Westerners, it looks like the time has stopped in this magical far-away place.

pink-car

Credits and special thanks go to: ​www.travelblissnow.com

It looks like… They either live in the 60’s, or this is a photo taken from another planet. And the cars look clean. Super clean. So yes, Cubans love cars I think. They’re a car country. Imagine what majestic vehicles they’d have if there was no Castro.

They had nothing. So they only had their one car, and that was it. So I guess you concentrate on the only object you have, the only thing not owned by your tyrannical Government, the only thing you love.

And Ladas, man. Have you ever seen a LADA in the States? I guess not! Ladas are freaking cool. How can you NOT love that? Looks tuned though. Maybe it’s a race car, or a street racing machine. Can’t be sure. You car geeks can tell better.

Credits and special thanks go to: ​www.highsnobiety.com

 

You absolutely HAVE to visit this place before you die. Even if you’re a car nut, it’s like from another world. The colors of the buildings, the streets, the people, the music and the food, drinks and beaches. You could also rent an old car that you’ll never be able to rent in the US. You can grab an old Russian Lada or a Russian Moskvich (AZLK) if you drove American before. Now you have a story for your children and grandchildren to tell.

Credit and special thanks: www.varnasummer.com

Cuba is also a huge Canadian tourist spot, because Canadians don’t even need a VISA to visit Cuba, from my humble information. If you’re an American, maybe you need a good reason to visit Havana, maybe a visit “for work”, or “for education”. Pull a few strings, and maybe visit as a tourist?

 

And by the way, did you know that AUDI has become the first car maker in modern times to present a new model in Cuba? Talking about quick decisions.

audi-car

             Credit and special thanks: www.designboom.com


Watch this video below for more auto sights; surreal…surreal.

 

Cuba: Give me my cigar and car! – How To Whatever

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Top #7 Video Games for Old People. (old people gaming)

old-people-gaming-grandpa

old-people-gaming-grandpa

 Top #7 Video Games for Old People.(old people gaming)

This article is inspired by the fact that my grandpa couldn’t even hold the computer mouse properly. He even broke his arm once, trying to navigate the mouse cursor. And since I was home-schooled since first grade, I had to find a buddy to play with.

No, seriously. I was not home-schooled, but some people are. Some people are… But it’s a true story. Can you even imagine what these boys and girls do alone at home, without a play buddy? Grandpa personally thought that was cosmic technology and I had to prove him wrong. I had to prove that was human tech, made by human hands…or was it now?

And grandma? She was often so bored that she was destructive! I had to find her a new occupation during her free time. Both my grandparents are retirees, so you can imagine. My parents were all day working, so yeah. I also had my own agenda to get grandpa and grandma to support me so my parents could regularly buy me new and cool tech. They were old-fashioned.

Grandpa was a mailman in the USPS postal services. Grandma was for so many years a clerk in an old Pennsylvania clothing factory. They had old calculating machines and other mechanical goodies back in their time. But now since times are drastically changing, you adapt or die.

And to be honest, I wanted to brag in front of my school buddies, that my grandpa played CS:GO, Battlefield 3 and FIFA. I taught him all. I did it. He did it. Now I finished school a while ago, and I’m doing my own thing now, business and college, but still we play from time to time, still. The old days I miss…so much.

Yes, you can teach old people to play. They’re not retarded. Never forget that it’s their final days, their “final countdown”, and the only thing we can do right now, is be with them, support them, and make their humble boring life their last adventure. And greatest time in their lives that they’ll never forget.

 

MY PERSONAL TOP #7 GAMES TO PLAY IS THIS:

Battlefield 3 for PC: Super intense game. I can play that for ages! All day, all night, bebee! I purchased the game immediately after went out on the shelves, and I’ve playing it since day one! Price now is pretty cheap too, like pennies! This game will be suited for men, means grandpaps! It’s a boys’ game, not girls’ game. I tried convincing my GF to try it out, but she nearly knocked off my PC to the ground! From panic and from fear. So, a game for big boys. Vietnam vets will absolutely love the game. Or retired soldiers, policemen, firefighters, or just mailmen, lel. Who said mailmen can’t play games and have fun!? You racist! How dare you! 

 

Battlefield 1 for PC: Same as above. Absolutely stunning game, pure graphics experience, hard-core action, murders, shooting Nazis with tanks, dropping bombs on houses from the first planes introduced in anyone’s Air Force, and the battlegrounds are just so intense, and so beautiful. France, Belgium, whatever. The game is stunning. Great multi too. You can play with your paps and you can murder enemies together. Nothing better than some good ol’ family multi. And if your granpaps was in the Army or he was a Marine, he’d know all these old weapons in the game! No worries!

 


FIFA 18 for PS4: Let’s now jump to…yeah. Soccer was introduced to the States in the 90’s but quickly it became popular. So popular. Now everyone knows about Messi and who Cristiano Ronaldo is. David Beckham, your grandma knows him! Cheeky cheeky! Now FIFA is a game for both genders. A great wait to have some fun with friends, die laughing, vlog, make money off of it, bet money, gamble. No, did I just told you to gamble and bet money on your grandma or your grandpaps? No, you don’t do that! Only do that if the bets are more than 5:1, yaaahhh boooiiiii. Anyways, the latest FIFA games are so easy to play. Difficult with a keyboard, but easy with a joystick. Your elderly folks will need a few weeks, maybe a few months to get used to the combinations and keys, but after constant training, they’ll murder even you! And it’s a great way to help them relax. Your grandpa was probably a die-hard NFL fan, or he supported the Yankees! But he knows these sports to the backbone. Help him explore new areas of life and he or she will thank you in the afterlife! Do you remember the moment you got your first toy soldier, your first cellphone, and smartphone. Your first love. Your first kiss. That are the moments we remember! That are the moments we cherish so much! New can’t bed bad, man.

 

CS:GO (Counter-Strike GO) for PC: Who doesn’t know this freaking game!? It is so cool. I can play this for hours too. But it could be more unforgiving to new people. It’s on your tongue. Just say it. Just…say it please. I won’t be mad. I promise! YES. I wanted to call my grandpa a NOOB. A freaking noob. But I was a noob once too. Nothing shameful about that. Being a noob is a temporary state of your mind, your current poor elevation in the game, and your lack of any hand to eye coordination, or any coordination at all. You can launch bots and you and paps can murder some Artificial Intelligence. Specify low sensitivity of the mouse because noobs jump, let’s be honest. He’ll jump around and get scared a lot. Especially the headshots. Noobs are scared of the head-whooooooooops. Whoooooop. CS:GO can be a lot of fun especially when drunk. It’s not that serious game and a party can happen at any time! Bring the Vodka, ladies! “Grandma, no, that was just the expression. No, I don’t know any girls. Please, no, please, don’t take grandpa’s Sony PS4. Please grandma… No, he didn’t. I… It was me.”

PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds for PC: The best way for grandma to get her revenge and wipe out grandpa’s smile off his face. Or maybe someone else will be the last one to laugh. A game where only one player stays alive in the end. It’s a game similar to the Russian S.T.A.L.K.E.R. game, with a huge open world, where you roam the dusty farm roads and empty houses and gather endless piles of supplies. Here you must kill enemy players, everyone’s on its own, and the map gets smaller and smaller every few minutes. Eventually, your grandparents will see each other face to face, and that can’t be more fun! Weapons are insane. It’s a shooter game, but can be switched to a 3rd too (3rd person play / 3rd person view). Grandpaps can grenade your grandma too. Throw in a few metal pumpkins for the fun. Blow her @#$%&! with some bullets and grenades.

 

Call of Duty: WWII for PC: Again, best suited for men, for vets, and the single player mode of Call of Duty is always excruciating! You can’t just miss that. Give your grandpa some time to kick the AI’s @#$%&!. Don’t get me wrong. The multiplayer is pretty insane in Call of Duty too! But the kids are just more there. Maybe old people and mature people in general won’t like it that much. But maybe they still have the young spirit in them and want to play with some spoiled little brats. It’s really a personal preference.

 

Need for Speed (NFS) for PS4: Personally my favorite. I’m a car maniac. I love cars. Staying under cars. Drifting, drag racing them, showing off, and I absolutely love loud exhausts! Magnaflows, Cherry Bombs, all day long, baby! And let’s be honest here. Who doesn’t? And this is a game that your grandma will love too. Women by nature love to compare themselves to men, and try and “fight” them, try and win and show off, show they’re better. Well, I guess we’ll see. The cars are sick. From old to new. From American muscle, to Imports and JDM, to European boosted sick rides and Beemers. Ferraris. Lambos. Sick. Again, like the FIFA sports game, you only need a joystick. Far more easy to work with, not like the PC thing. And you can relax on your couch too. It’s not that tiring to just lie back and lazy-play and kick your opponent’s bottom parts.

I recommend you first start small. Introduce them to the cars’ world. PS4 is easy to work with for just about anyone. I’ve personally seen 7-year olds play like Pros, so just make your own conclusions if a 70 or 80-years old man or woman can learn. Of course they can! They’re not retarded. Just give them a chance. Old people usually refuse to play any games because they’re too afraid of rejection! They don’t want other people to make fun of them. So just be patient and repeat, repeat, repeat. Practice makes perfect.

Then you can move to shooter games, which are the most interesting thing that happened in the 21st century! Start with bots, launch them on “Easy”, and start the fun games. You can drink with grandpaps or grandma, so they can relax a bit. Have fun. Don’t take life too seriously. And don’t underestimate old people. Most of the times they want to play so much! But are just afraid. They want…

Because their life hasn’t ended yet. It’s only over when it’s over!

Vlog everything. Film it. Have the memories of your life. Even if they suck at it, it’d still be fun.

Over and out.

 

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How to grow a Viking beard

MAIN-PHOTO-BEARD-MUSCLE-TATTOO-MAN

MAIN-PHOTO-BEARD-MUSCLE-TATTOO-MAN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to grow a Viking beard

YOU CLICKED THE ARTICLE! SO I’M GUESSING YOU FINALLY WANT TO BE A PIRATE? JEEZUSS! 

You finally want to attract women? (Not that you can’t…) You want to look more manly? (Not that you’re not a man!) But maybe it’s time for you to grow, change your style a little bit; a new direction in life. Don’t be stylish, but be always better! Command respect instead. Because you know…by the looks they welcome, by the wits they see off. And by “them” I mean people, friends, and family, co-workers…and even your only sweetheart, or your girlfriends, wifeys. You are what you look like, often.

And there’s nothing bad about caring about yourself. “But women do it because they’re girls.” You did cared when you got your car in black or blue, right? Red, green. If you don’t really care, just get the pinky Camaro SS next time, my matey!

SECONDARY-BEARDED-MAN-BUSINESSMAN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“BUT WAIT. HAVING A BEARD IS SOOO…UGH.”


You think it’s hard to maintain, it itches like nuts, it’s difficult to clean; I’m having all these mashed potatoes and my grandma’s tomatoes in my man bush everytime I eat, mom. And I have this weird feeling of having a foreign object on my face all the time, man! …Yeah, almost all of this is true. But there’s the other side of the coin. It’s your perception of yourself and your surroundings that makes you who you are. And if you jump with distrust and dissatisfaction from the very beginning, it’s going to end up very badly, and you’re probably going to lose so much. You’re going to lose to ignorance. Don’t be that guy. Try new.


Because having a beard is fuuh nice. So fuuh nice. So now, straight to the point.

FULL-BEARD-VIKING-FASHION

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAVING A BEARD:

  1. Makes you look older and more mature.
  2. Attracts pussaay like the worm attracts the hungry fish.
  3. Attracts friends and investors like a billion dollars attract a gold-digga.
  4. Keeps your face and neck warm in the winter; and the cold breeze suddenly feels like “lol, wutt”.
  5. Keeps you warm and healthy if you’re living in Wyoming… Yeah, if you’re in Wyoming, beard you shall. And moustache you shall. Or die you shall. The coldest state and no beard? Kamikaze!!
  6. Teaches discipline. Ever wondered why the soldiers get up early in the morning and do the same and super boring tasks, every day? Folding your sheets and other trivial tasks are very important for every military unit. The drill instructor will murder you until you learn to repeat the same task over and over again even in your sleep. That’s called discipline, muscle memory, and there comes a moment, you don’t care anymore, and you actually enjoy folding your sheets and clothes now! Try, will see! Teach yourself a new level of discipline, because the beard is not for the weak!
  7. It’s stylish. Nothing more to say.
  8. It’s official. Beard and moustaches have been around for so long. During the American Civil War, everyone was having the beard. Even in the Old Wild West after the war, under the burning hot Arizona sun, having no beard — was considered to be a suicidal move. A sign that you can be easily mugged, robbed, and shot until dead.
  9. It isolates you from society. Gives you kind of a subtle barrier between you and your adversaries or just people you don’t really like. It’s the same with clothes. Sometimes we do prefer to keep our jacket on, especially when in a company of strangers. A very well known tactic to introverts.
  10. You’re a part of a society. A family. We, the “beard operators” are so many, posting in blogs, forums, YouTube. You can also win the respect of the local Mujahideen. A sure way not to get harmed by terrorists. Because all terrorists have the beards. They, seeing you have the beard, “he must be one of us”. Now seriously, US Marines and other Military personnel had the beards in Iraq and Afghanistan, because the locals refused to cooperate with them! That changed quickly.

CULLEN-BOHANNON

 

 

 

 

 

Hell on Wheels’ Cullen Bohannon. Hell on Wheels was a very popular show on AMC that ended a few months back. Based on a true story. The most badass TV character ever. Cullen Bohannon is a former Confederate States Army Cavalry Colonel and slave owner from Meridian, Mississippi. His family was slaughtered during the Civil War, and Bohannon sought revenge, moving him out west and introducing him to the Union Pacific Railroad.

HOW TO GROW THE BEARD:

  1. You can easily find beard care products online for that purpose. I recommend you buy a good, or even handmade beard oil first. I purchased a cheap beard oil from Latvia, Europe. Their brand is called Baron’s Wax and is hand made in Riga City, their capital. Latvia is a small country, and they do make some awesome stuff. I vouch for their products! No GMO, no chemicals. And the smell, mmm… Makes you wanna eat it. The beard oil helps against hair loss and promotes faster growth. They have cinnamon, almond oil, argan oil, jojoba oil, cedar oil, burdock oil, essential oil, and so many other.
  2. At a later stage, you can buy a beard wax. You can shape your beard and moustaches with the wax.
  3. Or use a beard balm. The balm falls somewhere in between the oil and the wax. The golden middle. But again, use at later stages.
  4. Shampoo using a regular shampoo, not soap. If you have a seborrea or a seborrhoeic dermatitis, use a specialized shampoo against dandruff. Gently scrub, not with nails, but with the soft of the fingers.


;

WHY IT ITCHES? I SHOWER REGULARLY.

Lel, okay. First, the problem’s not in you. It’s in your constant stupid shaving. When you introduce your razor blade and touch your facial hair with it, it cuts at a very sharp and sloped angle, maybe at 30°40° angle. This sharp tilted cut turns your face hair exactly like a knife blade. Your hair follicle after each shave is now shaped into a nice chisel. When you finally decide to become a Viking, this razor sharp hair follicles will often hit your face, poking your soft skin and creating this very very unpleasant itch. It’s not a disease. It’s not a problem. It’s not something bad. But it’ll pass.

HOW TO STOP, OR AT LEAST DECREASE THE ITCH?

You can’t stop it. But you can decrease it. Use oils. If money are not a problem, you can even get a better product than the Latvian one.

Just go for one of the following renowned beard care product brands:

  1. Proraso (Italy)
  2. American Crew (USA)
  3. Bluebeard’s Revenge (England)

HOW TO STYLE IT?

Go to your local barber. He’ll or she’ll know.

And if you live in a small town or a village (it happens), carefully trim the rogue hair that pop up like crazy with a trimmer, removes your neckbeard; just shave everything below Adam’s apple. Actually, to be more exact, put your middle finger in the center of your Adam’s apple, then place your index finger on top of the middle finger, and shave everything beneath the index finger!

Don’t trim it way up because your face will look funny and retarded, and small. Small is not manly. People that trim their beard jawlines higher up — look so retarded. Keep it around the Adam’s apple.

PEOPLE WILL THINK I’M WITH ISIS (ISLAMIC COUNTRY)?

Do you really care what people think? You’ll always have the haters. Even Jesus had haters. Jesus did revive people and helped anyone that crossed his path, and still, people hated him for that. Don’t mind people.

Plus, it’s super modern now. This won’t happen. The biggest Hollywood names like Hugh Jackman, Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhaal, Tom Hardy and many others boost huge beards. And they look insanely good. Now not having a beard is considered dangerous. And to make things even worse, some people look like serial murderers when clean shaven. Don’t you agree?

And for those Walking Dead fans out there, don’t forget Negan and Rick’s beards.

And something fun for the end of the article…

VIKINGS-TV-SHOW

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHY VIKINGS HAD BEARDS?

Anyone that has grown a full beard has probably been referred to as a Viking at some point in time. The overwhelming majority of Viking males had beards. However, they weren’t necessarily big, unkempt beards.

The beards of the Vikings intimidated enemies (and sometimes friends), and allowed men to express their personal style while serving the practical purpose of keeping them warm in the bitter cold Swedish weather.

Viking for life – How To Whatever


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Really Funny Joke Mini Series – Public Restrooms

Really Funny Joke Mini Series Public Restrooms

Really Funny Joke Mini Series Public Restrooms

Really Funny Joke Mini Series Guide #1 – How To Public Restrooms

Going to the public restroom can be a really funny joke sometimes. The feeling having to use the public restroom can make your skin crawl. Everybody loves when they get that grumbling sound in their stomach when they are out in a public place. We all know that feeling, and when it comes time to choose the best toilet seat in a restroom, it can be hell! So let’s get started! How to Public Restrooms!

 

Keys to the Golden Throne

It is a really funny joke when you have to ask for keys to the bathroom. Am I not good enough to use your bathroom? This usually means you should not be using this bathroom. They keep it locked up for all the junkies. You don’t want sit on that toilet, you might get crabs or chlamydia. Avoid bathrooms that you need to ask for keys! If you wont do it for yourself, do it for your children for god sake!

 

Self Heated Toilet Seat

Sure, I am sure their are some of you that own your very own heated best toilet seat money can buy. I bet you were not thinking about the last person that sat on that potty!. All the stalls are locked and you see a big burly 400 pound fat man walk out one of them. What do you do?, but you have to go really bad. You risk it, clinching your teeth as you feel the warmth. Ha! Want to puke yet? We have all done it, but try to avoid this if you haven’t, it is a terrible feeling.

 

Curly Q’s

Double check your seat next time before you sit down. The last person that could have been their, might have been Sasquatch pinching off a deer loaf. How many people like the so called public hair anymore? Shave that sh*t you gorilla. So if you see a toilet seat with curly q’s on them and decide to sit on it, you better rethink your life choices.

 

Sanitizer Is Your Best Friend

All clean jokes aside. Sanitizer can be your best friend. Always carry a bottle in your back pocket for most dirty situations. You can squirt a piece of tissue and wipe it off. Bam!, you got the cleanest best toilet seat ever! Plus you can use it to put on your hands after shaking hand’s with your boss. We all know boss’s don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom.

 

Toilet Battle Armor

Some bathrooms have seat covers. Battle up and slay that dragon! You know you found a good bathroom to pinch a loaf in, if they have toilet seat covers. You can even double your protection, by using your sanitizer and using a cover.

 

That wraps it up for the Really Funny Joke Mini Series – Public Restrooms Guide. I have one more thing to ask, when you go the bathroom to do number 2. Do you pull fold your toilet paper, or do you crumble it up to wipe? Hey, who would think of these things? Let me know in the comments if this is entertaining, Thanks!

 

Really Funny Joke Mini Series – Public Restrooms – How to Whatever

 

 

 

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9 Reasons Why You Should Start Smoking Weed

why you should start smoking weed

why-you-should-start-smoking-weed

9 Top Reasons Why You Should Start Smoking Weed

Why you should start smoking weed you may ask? Oh don’t get me started. I could be high right now as I write this. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. Millions of people have ridden of their pain and their midnight munchies go away. The fact is not one person has died from weed, but yet how many people have died from drinking alcohol? Hmm Let me show you the way to why you should start smoking weed!

 

1. Let’s Build a Snowman

Weed can spark tons of creativity. What do you do when you are bored? Smoke! What happens after you smoke? You think of the weirdest things, and it could be your next million dollar idea. You know that thing your holding in your hand called an iphone or ipod? Yes that is right, Steve Jobs got high too! Tons of artist smoke and let the juices flow. Whether you want to get high and build a snow man or crochet a blanket while high. It will spark tons of ideas.

 

2. Why You Should Start Smoking Weed To Stay Sane

Have you ever walked in to the office on a Monday, your boss is up your ass, and you coworkers are annoying the sh*t out of you. You feel angry and that you could snap any minute. Your about to transform into Jackie Chan, and round house kick off Brian’s head. You then relax and realize it is almost over and you got a big fat juicy bowl of weed at home, just waiting for you.

Reason you you should start smoking weed in your personal is because it can relax those tense moments. Nothing like a hard day at work and coming and taking few hits to say sane. That relaxing moment of Ahhhh! You shout “Victory” like a heathen.

Smoking helps relax the muscles in the body and helps relieve stress. Here is a study to show that micro dosing or even one puff of a blunt can help reduce stress.

 

3. Sleeping and Smoking Weed

I have to be honest, this is my favorite time to smoke weed. Long day at work, kid screaming his head off, mother in law driving me nuts! The end of the day is the best time to start smoking weed. Preferably a bowl. I am not a joint kind of guy.

Again the reason you should start smoking weed is to get a better night sleep. Take like 3-4 puffs, then bam your are right off to see the sandman. No not Metallica’s Sandman, F that song for being overplayed in the 90’s. Depending on the strain, but make sure you get Indica strains or you will be painting the bathroom your wife has been asking you to do for years.

4. The Magic Cure

The cannabis oil from weed plants has shown to treat all kinds of problems. Depression, anxiety, epilepsy, and anorexia. Boy, I sure like my hot pockets after smoking a fat bowl. The main reason why you should start smoking weed is because it is way more natural then taking these terrible drugs. Their are so many studies to how weed has helped patients as where to these drugs doctors just throw out like candy, don’t do anything. I wish the doc would give me some good stuff!

 

5. Everything is a Comedy

Everything is funny when you start smoking weed. You could be watching a horror movie and it will be funny. Of course some horror movies are just so bad, that they are funny. Your best bet is to watch a movie you find hilarious sober. Smoke a joint and watch it again. I promise you will laugh your ass off!  Big Lebowski, I am just saying.

 

6. Cannibas Corpse Music

Best reason why you should start smoking weed. Music sounds amazing high. I personally listen to metal. Man, getting high and headbanging to some Dying Fetus, man that is a good time. Nothing like killing some more brain cells.

The feeling high while listening to music is indescribable. You actually feel the kick of the bass in your whole body. The passion of vocals in the voice, and the thrash of the guitar. Wait, sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yea, music. It is also for when trying to write music. Try it sometime, Garth Brooks!

 

7. Weed Sex

Yes, you heard me. The guys just popped a boner and women are like where is my dealer when I need him! Studies show 1-3 women struggle to have an orgasm. See, there is a reason why you should start smoking weed. It increases the senses of things and it is helps get that fire started. Everybody wants love, and wants it. The exact reason why you should start smoking weed.

8. Weed and Violence

Crime would come down drastically, less road rage, and less shootings would happen. If we could go right down to the local gas station and grab a dime, I know that I could home safe. Dealing with shady people sucks, and you never know what you are going to get. Nobody would be driving mad because they would be relaxed. Maybe Kim Jong Un would be less an asshole and everybody would love Trump! Damn Democrats!

 

9. Drum Roll Please…….

Making the decision for why you should start smoking weed is quite obvious. There is no proof that weed has any terrible effects. The government has regulated it for a long time and it is time to legalize it everywhere. They controlled the liquor, tobacco and now holding weed is the last thing they got. We can set it free and let people choose to if they want to start smoking weed. For whatever the reason maybe. Enjoyment, relaxing, or whether for pain. Think about someone else’s needs, instead of your own agenda.

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Why You Should Start Smoking Weed – How To Whatever

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Chewing Tobacco Spittoon Online Guide for Rednecks

chew tobacco accessories

chew-tobacco-accessories

 

Chewing Tobacco Spittoon Online Funny How to Guide for Rednecks

 

chewing tobacco online

The ultimate chewing tobacco spittoon online funny how to guide for rednecks is finally here! You are going to laugh and you may even be grossed out by the end of this, but I am sure you can some how relate to the same snuff spit cup experiences just as I have. Shall we begin?

So according to the CDC’s chart we have here to our left. Roughly 6% of the 18 years and older, chew snuff. I wonder how many of them still have teeth left? And men guess what?, if your looking for that dream dipping women, I think your out of your luck. Well now that we know these useless facts, let’s get to the knitty gritty!

 



First Time Dippers

We all have our first time dipper stories. Before that was great and now we continue to be a slave to this little plastic can filled with mother nature’s leaves. Oh and some ground razor blades and battery acid. I am sure it is fine. Cough…CDC!…Cough!

I remember when I lost my virginity for the first time. No I am not talking about sex here. I’m talking bout putting a dip in you fool!  I was offered this gig at a metal festival by this chick I worked with at Taco Bell. Their is another story to this, but we need to keep this a G rating please. So I took this gig and when I got there, I was told to do parking lot duty. What a bummer!

So this guy has his trunk open an says “Hey you want some free chewing tobacco?”. I said “Sure”. So I took it and finished the gig. Later that night I took a dip, burned like a son of a b! Yeah, you know that feeling bro!

 

How To Tell Your Parents You Chew Snuff

You don’t tell them! They find out because your a moron and did not hide your can of snuff good enough. Your parents spend two grand on braces for your teeth, they are probably not going to be happy. Least they didn’t find your porn stash!

chewing tobacco spittoon

 

Chewing Tobacco Spittoon

Along with the jaw tearing benefits comes the great chewing tobacco spittoon or the snuff spit cup. You got 2 kinds of chewers.

  • Non-Spitters (Usually big burly men with long beards, and chest hair like a forest, and hot looking women. )

 

  • Spitters (You can usually find them at your local Walmart, carrying an empty bottle with them.)

 

Spitters are what makes the world go round. They are your average everyday hard working man. I am the reason you are able to post on Facebook on your little gadget you call a cellphone, but I call a laptop, so don’t knock on the spitters. Sounds like a terrible name for an alien movie.



 

The Top 9 Chewing Tobacco Spittoon Online Hits List

 

 

Strategically placed snuff spit cups

Us men know how to place them everywhere. One in the bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, and the truck. We have to have them everywhere. Ladies, it is what we call Feng shui! I have to deal with your stupid candles, so I have to counter the attack.

 

Multiple spitters

Guilty! I have had up to three or four chewing tobacco spittoons all in one spot. Listen their is a reason. If one gets full, you got a back up. No waiting until a commercial comes on, or waiting for the match of Call of Duty to be over to spit. We just tend to fill them up and forget about them.

 

Anything is game

You are sitting on the couch, and you just put the biggest dip of your life in. Ten minutes later, you realized you don’t have spitter. Sh*t what do I do? You quickly react and ask your wife to chug the rest of the water in her bottle. Bam! Wife saves the day!

We will spit in just about anything. Water bottles, soda pop cans, shower tub, urinals and gallon tea jugs. This has gotten me in trouble as well. Me and my buddies were driving and we stopped at that gas station to get some drinks. I bought a coke of course.I already had a coke bottle half full of spit in the car. Then we take off driving along, driving along, I picked up my one to drink and accidentally and felt the slimy chunks run down my throat. I slammed on the breaks, threw open the door and puked my guts out. So be careful, watch your diet cokes very very carefully.

 

Spittoon Derailment

How many times have you left your chewing tobacco spittoon with out the cap on or spit cup to where it can get knocked over? Thousands, I tell you! The humanity! Tobacco spit does not come out of carpets very well. We all know this. Look guys, I am just trying to save you from your wife’s! Or has your your new born came over to take a look and think’s it’s something they can put in their mouth! Yep, fess up you been their!chewing tobacco online

Choose your tobacco accessories very carefully! If it is a bottle keep the lid on and rip the label off. Just do it damn it, cause if I drink your spit, I am going to be pissed. Choose an online bought spill proof spittoon. They are convenient, and they come with a lid. No more spilling your spit on your buddies when your drunk out of your mind.

 

 

Sleeping while chewing

Yes we have all woken up, choking on our spit. Falling asleep and waking up choking sucks! You scramble to grab whatever your chewing tobacco spittoon and get it out of your mouth before your friends say “what a tragedy, he choked on his own snuff.”. Do you know how embarrassing that would be. You can’t go out like that man!

 

Wet Wads! Oh My!

Stop leaving your wads of snuff in the walking path! We have all gotten out of the car and seen Uncle Jedediah’s big ole wad laying in the parking lot. Staring up at us just like we had seen a ghost. Is it really that hard to to throw it in a spittoon or the trash can you just walked by walking into the front entrance of Walmart. Come on!

Also their is nothing like going to the the public bathroom and hanging your junk over big old wad while trying to not hit it with your piss. Nothing like the lovey aroma of dehydrated piss and Cherry Skoal. Hmmm.. Maybe they should make that into a candle scent.

 

why am I spitting so much

 

Packing your can

Every redneck knows that it is crucial we pack our snuff. Listen up noobs! Rule number one! Pack your can or face the consequences. Try putting a loose dip in! You will end up like this guy —>

Rule number 2. Make sure your lid is on tight. Having the lid on loose and trying to pack it, turns in to a snuff shower. Least your couch will smell fresh and minty. Unless you chew Copenhagen, then it will smell like you just rolled in some dirt and haven’t taken a shower in a 9 days. Here is a little tutorial on how to pack your snuff.

Never run out

Carrying multiple cans of snuff means life or death. Survival of the fittest! Running out of chewing tobacco is like losing your pet iguana. First comes anger, then sadness. You will be missed Joey!

I always carry a minimal of 3 cans. It is the perfect number. One for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Easy to remember right? 3 cans will get through the day, carrying anymore in your pocket, people are start thinking you have a hip problem.

Always save bottles for your chewing tobacco spittoon. One time I was at a stop light and this truck pulled up next to me. I happen to look over and I saw this redneck turn his head to the passenger side, and just spit right on the floor of the truck! You don’t want the floor boards of your 57 Chevy rotting out, with your rebel flags flapping in the wind.

 

Putt a dip in before you die

I don’t know about you, but I have to put a dip in right before I do anything. I put a dip in before work, before playing a game, before I take a sh*t, and just about before anything. It is like warming up at the gym before you go slam some weights around. It’s like getting ready for that next fight. If I had to save someone hanging off a cliff, I would have to put in a dip first. Hope I have a dip in before I die.

 

Well ladies and gentlemen that wraps up the top 9 chewing tobacco spittoon online hit list. I hope you have enjoyed this article, and I am sure some of you rednecks can relate. Yes I know chewing tobacco spittoons are gross, but hey, it is a funny how to topic! Thank you and see you next time.

 

chewing tobacco spittoon

 

 

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How to Reach Zen or The Right Way to Zen

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How to Reach Zen or The Right Way

How to reach zen or the right way to zen? What is this guy talking about? It is 6:35 am and you drag your lifeless body in this hell you call work. You sit down at the office, turn your computer on, next thing you know you hear the the sound of a screeching banshee. Oh wait that is your boss saying “Mr. Johnson you are late”. He walks away like a slithering snake in to a pile of rocks. Then you hear “Hey buddy! Did you sleep in?”. Coming from your annoying coworker that doesn’t do jack all day. I am sure a bunch of you can relate. Here, I will show you the light and cast the demons back to hell and show you how to reach zen state or the right way to zen.

the right way to zen



What is Zen?

Personally I thought it was a Chinese cookie. I am going to dumb this down as much as possible without going into where Zen came from. Basically it can have different meanings, but the way I take it is, it’s all about self control and just do it. Have a don’t know attitude and just do it. As hard as it may seem, even though you may want to punch your boss in the face, you can learn how to reach a zen state.

how to reach zen state

 

How to Reach Zen

1. Focus on the now

First step is to focus on the now. Don’t worry about what you are going to make for dinner tonight. Don’t think that you may go home tonight to find your husband in bed with another women. Although she is pretty hot. Just worry about what is in front of you at that current moment. One step at a time my dear friend.

 

2. Failing is not an option

If you do fail, get your ass back up and try again. Momma don’t like them quitters. You will never learn how to reach a zen state if you just give up. We all learn from our mistakes. This is my third crack at a website and boy I still suck, but I am trying like hell. I enjoy this and I would like to make it a full time job.

 

3.  The Don’t know State

Take each situation as you don’t know what may happen. I am sure by now you are like “man this how to whatever guy has no clue what he is talking about.” I would say about 93%, I don’t know what I am talking about.

Yay! Example time! You never know what the future holds and you can not dwell on that. Pretend your driving on a highway, you could be splattered any minute by a semi truck, but you never really thought about it like that. Technically you have already learned how to reach the state, but never knew it. So you don’t know.



Is this Article Over Yet? No, We didn’t Reach Zen Yet

Ask questions! Yay! Gold star. Always ask questions to the answers. We take answers for granted, thinking experts know it all. I bet they didn’t learn how to reach zen. Suck on that Trebek!

So have we hit our destination yet? Good, my job is done here. I will see you cat’s on the flip flop! If you enjoyed my article about how to reach zen or any of my other ridiculous articles please tell me in the comments below. Or if you just hate my sense of humor tell me in the comments as well! Come on people give me some feedback! I’m dying over here! See you next time!

How to reach zen – How To Whatever!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Cricket Farm How to Start for Profit or Food

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           Cricket Farm How to Start for Profit or Food

Cricket farm and who the hell would want to start a cricket farm? Crickets are probably only the most disgusting insect on the planet. Na, centipedes are pretty disgusting. People around the world have been raising crickets for many reasons. They have learned how to raise crickets for food for their household pets. Surprisingly, did you know that you can turn cricket farming for a profit? People will buy anything! So let’s get started and learn how to start a cricket farm shall we.



 

cricket farming for profit

 

Cricket Farm Materials List

  • 2-3 Very large clear plastic tote containers with lids. The crickets will start to eat each other if you don’t. Would you want to live with a hundred of your mother in laws? Yeah, that’s what I thought!

 

  • Metal mosquito screen

 

  • Utility knife and a hot glue gun

 

  • Vermiculite or egg cartons. Vermiculite helps trap the moisture and keeps bacteria from growing. It also keeps the smell down. Smelly little buggers! I would also recommend replacing it every couple months or so.

 

  • Pesticide free top soil

 

  • Very shallow bowl for water. A lizard water bowl would work.

 

  • Space heater or a lizard light from pet store.

 

  • 40-50 crickets.



Cricket Farm let’s go!

Start off by cutting two 6-8″ circular holes in the lids of your containers.

Cut the mosquito screen to its a little bigger then the holes and use the hot glue gun to mount them on the inside of the lid.

Pour about 2-3 inches of the vermiculite in the bottom of the container. Then layer about another 2-3 inches of the top soil.

Place your crickets in their brand new cricket farm. Either put a lizard light on top or you can put them in a closet with the space heater to start the breeding process. The temperature should be roughly around 75-90 degrees. The crickets will start to get their groove on when you hear the males chirp.

In about 2 weeks the female crickets will lay eggs in the top soil. Once the eggs have been laid, scoop the top soil and place in a second container. Make sure you keep the topsoil somewhat damp now. If it dries out, your cricket farm dreams are gone. Continue to keep the temperature the same on this container. Two more weeks, you should have crickets. Rinse and repeat.

Now that you know how to start a cricket farm, I can sleep a littler better at night. Please let me know in the comments if you have raised a cricket farm before or you think it is just plain disgusting. See you next time!



 

Cricket Farm How to Start for Profit or Food – How To Whatever!

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Foldable Book Art or 3D Book Folding 

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How To Make Foldable Book Art or 3D Book Folding

Foldable book art! What is book folding and where did it come from? Hell if I know! All I know is these masterpieces of work are beautiful to look at. Google can’t tell me where it originated from. What good are you Google? First time I encountered this type of art was my mother had bought one for my son at some flea market. I had never seen this type of art before and found it quite fascinating.

I never actually made one myself, but I am sure you can figure out right? I’m just trying to help the poor artist out or if you might find this topic interesting. Hey, least I am honest! Cut me a break here!

Into my never ending journey of Google, I found these steps to 3d book folding.<– Right here, no seriously, right there! I will try to do my best to explain, but you are going to need a few items from the shed. Blow torch, wrench, and a screwdriver. Gotcha! No, but you will need a hardback cover book, a book folding template, book folding measurements, a ruler, and last but not least those monkey hands for this foldable book masterpiece!

 

book folding template

 

Foldable Book Instructions

Step 1 – Find the oldest, hardest book you can find. Please whatever you do not grab your grandmothers old bible! I beg of you just don’t do it. Grab your fathers ruler that you know he is going to ask you to put back, even though you probably will not do. Hey, its your life, not mine.

Step 2 – Well I am going to go into full detail here, but I will give you a link for yourself. Foldable book instructions. I will just give you the run down. Basically you start at a certain measurement and mark each page in 2 spots. You then keep marking each page a little bit longer until you hit a point. Then you start back down the ladder again.

Step 3 – Yay! Your almost done with your foldable book! You then fold on the lines that you mark and try to keep them at a 90 degree bend. Repeat this step until you are finished or until your carpal tunnel sets in. Bam! You have your foldable book masterpiece!

Foldable book art or 3d book folding can be a whole family project or if you want to just give something to a family for a nice present. You could of course just go buy one, which I will do because I am lazy. You can also buy a book folding template to help you on your journey to save the planet.

If you enjoyed me terribly explaining how to make foldable book art, please let me know in the comments and share your Foldable book art with me. Thanks for reading.



Foldable Book Art or 3D Book Folding  – How To Whatever!

 

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How To Potty Train a Toddler Survival Manual

How To Potty Train A Toddler

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How To Potty Train A Toddler

Knowing how to potty train a toddler could save your life some day. Have you ever had to potty train a toddler in your life time? Prepare yourself, for the war has begun if you have not potty trained yet. Just like in Predator, “get to the CHOPPA!”. Just when you are thinking this potty training thing shouldn’t be that bad, it takes a turn for the worse like a speeding train about ready to derail.

My first attempt at it I thought hell, this should be easy. WRONG! Screaming like a crazy banshee from hell every time me and my wife would try to put him on the potty. Have you had a toddler scared of the potty? Makes you want to pull your hair out, well of what hair I have left. One attempt after another, “I don’t wanna”. Finally, me and my wife decided to try the reward system. We took a trip down to our local Dollar General to get a bin and fill it up with some cheap toys. Yep, that did not work. Finally, I decided to plop him in front of the television and BAM! He sat there and went.

Am I a how to potty train a toddler guru? Hell no! Not by any means but, you may get some useful information out of this article and maybe a good laugh or two. Or you may just think “hey, this dude sucks!”. So lets get through this, and learn how to potty train a toddler.

 



 

toddler scared of potty

Patience

Patience is key here. If your child is scared of potty, he or she is not going to give you the time of day. If your child is not ready to go then give them space. They will go when they want to go. Well, hopefully if the planet isn’t nuked to smithereens first. Give it a shot for about a week, and if no progress is made, give it a month and try again. Eventually, your will quit being scared of potty.



How Long to Sit on Potty When Training

How long to sit on the potty when training? That is the old age question the Ancient Romans asked. When I finally got my son on the potty sitting in front of the TV, he sat for a good 45 minutes. I would not recommend your child more then 15 minutes at a time. Any longer they are going to freeze their private parts. Hey, you ever get cold nuts? It sucks! You cant play around like that. Least at this point you got your toddler to sit on the potty. We are half way through this nonsense. Thank god right? Don’t worry parents, you will be a how to potty train a toddler master!

 

how long to sit on potty when training

 

Consistency Potty Training

Keeping a schedule on potty training is another big tip the dude abides by. Keeping your toddler on a schedule will get them to understand when they have to go. Try to make them sit on the potty after a meal. Have you ever been at a restaurant and just finished that juicy filet mignon and then all of a sudden. The titanic is sinking Captain! Eventually they will learn and get the feeling of when they have to go to the potty. Hopefully by this point your toddler is not scared to sit on potty.

 

Its a long road ahead and in this how to potty train a toddler journey, hopefully you have competed your mission. May the force be with you on your how to potty train journey, and let me know in the comments how your mission went. Did you succeed? Or did you fail?



How to potty train a toddler – How To Whatever!

 

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