Chewing Tobacco Spittoon Online Funny How to Guide for Rednecks
The ultimate chewing tobacco spittoon online funny how to guide for rednecks is finally here! You are going to laugh and you may even be grossed out by the end of this, but I am sure you can some how relate to the same snuff spit cup experiences just as I have. Shall we begin?
So according to the CDC’s chart we have here to our left. Roughly 6% of the 18 years and older, chew snuff. I wonder how many of them still have teeth left? And men guess what?, if your looking for that dream dipping women, I think your out of your luck. Well now that we know these useless facts, let’s get to the knitty gritty!
First Time Dippers
We all have our first time dipper stories. Before that was great and now we continue to be a slave to this little plastic can filled with mother nature’s leaves. Oh and some ground razor blades and battery acid. I am sure it is fine. Cough…CDC!…Cough!
I remember when I lost my virginity for the first time. No I am not talking about sex here. I’m talking bout putting a dip in you fool! I was offered this gig at a metal festival by this chick I worked with at Taco Bell. Their is another story to this, but we need to keep this a G rating please. So I took this gig and when I got there, I was told to do parking lot duty. What a bummer!
So this guy has his trunk open an says “Hey you want some free chewing tobacco?”. I said “Sure”. So I took it and finished the gig. Later that night I took a dip, burned like a son of a b! Yeah, you know that feeling bro!
How To Tell Your Parents You Chew Snuff
You don’t tell them! They find out because your a moron and did not hide your can of snuff good enough. Your parents spend two grand on braces for your teeth, they are probably not going to be happy. Least they didn’t find your porn stash!
Chewing Tobacco Spittoon
Along with the jaw tearing benefits comes the great chewing tobacco spittoon or the snuff spit cup. You got 2 kinds of chewers.
- Non-Spitters (Usually big burly men with long beards, and chest hair like a forest, and hot looking women. )
- Spitters (You can usually find them at your local Walmart, carrying an empty bottle with them.)
Spitters are what makes the world go round. They are your average everyday hard working man. I am the reason you are able to post on Facebook on your little gadget you call a cellphone, but I call a laptop, so don’t knock on the spitters. Sounds like a terrible name for an alien movie.
The Top 9 Chewing Tobacco Spittoon Online Hits List
Strategically placed snuff spit cups
Us men know how to place them everywhere. One in the bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, and the truck. We have to have them everywhere. Ladies, it is what we call Feng shui! I have to deal with your stupid candles, so I have to counter the attack.
Guilty! I have had up to three or four chewing tobacco spittoons all in one spot. Listen their is a reason. If one gets full, you got a back up. No waiting until a commercial comes on, or waiting for the match of Call of Duty to be over to spit. We just tend to fill them up and forget about them.
Anything is game
You are sitting on the couch, and you just put the biggest dip of your life in. Ten minutes later, you realized you don’t have spitter. Sh*t what do I do? You quickly react and ask your wife to chug the rest of the water in her bottle. Bam! Wife saves the day!
We will spit in just about anything. Water bottles, soda pop cans, shower tub, urinals and gallon tea jugs. This has gotten me in trouble as well. Me and my buddies were driving and we stopped at that gas station to get some drinks. I bought a coke of course.I already had a coke bottle half full of spit in the car. Then we take off driving along, driving along, I picked up my one to drink and accidentally and felt the slimy chunks run down my throat. I slammed on the breaks, threw open the door and puked my guts out. So be careful, watch your diet cokes very very carefully.
How many times have you left your chewing tobacco spittoon with out the cap on or spit cup to where it can get knocked over? Thousands, I tell you! The humanity! Tobacco spit does not come out of carpets very well. We all know this. Look guys, I am just trying to save you from your wife’s! Or has your your new born came over to take a look and think’s it’s something they can put in their mouth! Yep, fess up you been their!
Choose your tobacco accessories very carefully! If it is a bottle keep the lid on and rip the label off. Just do it damn it, cause if I drink your spit, I am going to be pissed. Choose an online bought spill proof spittoon. They are convenient, and they come with a lid. No more spilling your spit on your buddies when your drunk out of your mind.
Sleeping while chewing
Yes we have all woken up, choking on our spit. Falling asleep and waking up choking sucks! You scramble to grab whatever your chewing tobacco spittoon and get it out of your mouth before your friends say “what a tragedy, he choked on his own snuff.”. Do you know how embarrassing that would be. You can’t go out like that man!
Wet Wads! Oh My!
Stop leaving your wads of snuff in the walking path! We have all gotten out of the car and seen Uncle Jedediah’s big ole wad laying in the parking lot. Staring up at us just like we had seen a ghost. Is it really that hard to to throw it in a spittoon or the trash can you just walked by walking into the front entrance of Walmart. Come on!
Also their is nothing like going to the the public bathroom and hanging your junk over big old wad while trying to not hit it with your piss. Nothing like the lovey aroma of dehydrated piss and Cherry Skoal. Hmmm.. Maybe they should make that into a candle scent.
Packing your can
Every redneck knows that it is crucial we pack our snuff. Listen up noobs! Rule number one! Pack your can or face the consequences. Try putting a loose dip in! You will end up like this guy —>
Rule number 2. Make sure your lid is on tight. Having the lid on loose and trying to pack it, turns in to a snuff shower. Least your couch will smell fresh and minty. Unless you chew Copenhagen, then it will smell like you just rolled in some dirt and haven’t taken a shower in a 9 days. Here is a little tutorial on how to pack your snuff.
Never run out
Carrying multiple cans of snuff means life or death. Survival of the fittest! Running out of chewing tobacco is like losing your pet iguana. First comes anger, then sadness. You will be missed Joey!
I always carry a minimal of 3 cans. It is the perfect number. One for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Easy to remember right? 3 cans will get through the day, carrying anymore in your pocket, people are start thinking you have a hip problem.
Always save bottles for your chewing tobacco spittoon. One time I was at a stop light and this truck pulled up next to me. I happen to look over and I saw this redneck turn his head to the passenger side, and just spit right on the floor of the truck! You don’t want the floor boards of your 57 Chevy rotting out, with your rebel flags flapping in the wind.
Putt a dip in before you die
I don’t know about you, but I have to put a dip in right before I do anything. I put a dip in before work, before playing a game, before I take a sh*t, and just about before anything. It is like warming up at the gym before you go slam some weights around. It’s like getting ready for that next fight. If I had to save someone hanging off a cliff, I would have to put in a dip first. Hope I have a dip in before I die.
Well ladies and gentlemen that wraps up the top 9 chewing tobacco spittoon online hit list. I hope you have enjoyed this article, and I am sure some of you rednecks can relate. Yes I know chewing tobacco spittoons are gross, but hey, it is a funny how to topic! Thank you and see you next time.