How to grow a Viking beard
YOU CLICKED THE ARTICLE! SO I’M GUESSING YOU FINALLY WANT TO BE A PIRATE? JEEZUSS!
You finally want to attract women? (Not that you can’t…) You want to look more manly? (Not that you’re not a man!) But maybe it’s time for you to grow, change your style a little bit; a new direction in life. Don’t be stylish, but be always better! Command respect instead. Because you know…by the looks they welcome, by the wits they see off. And by “them” I mean people, friends, and family, co-workers…and even your only sweetheart, or your girlfriends, wifeys. You are what you look like, often.
And there’s nothing bad about caring about yourself. “But women do it because they’re girls.” You did cared when you got your car in black or blue, right? Red, green. If you don’t really care, just get the pinky Camaro SS next time, my matey!
“BUT WAIT. HAVING A BEARD IS SOOO…UGH.”
You think it’s hard to maintain, it itches like nuts, it’s difficult to clean; I’m having all these mashed potatoes and my grandma’s tomatoes in my man bush everytime I eat, mom. And I have this weird feeling of having a foreign object on my face all the time, man! …Yeah, almost all of this is true. But there’s the other side of the coin. It’s your perception of yourself and your surroundings that makes you who you are. And if you jump with distrust and dissatisfaction from the very beginning, it’s going to end up very badly, and you’re probably going to lose so much. You’re going to lose to ignorance. Don’t be that guy. Try new.
Because having a beard is fuuh nice. So fuuh nice. So now, straight to the point.
HAVING A BEARD:
- Makes you look older and more mature.
- Attracts pussaay like the worm attracts the hungry fish.
- Attracts friends and investors like a billion dollars attract a gold-digga.
- Keeps your face and neck warm in the winter; and the cold breeze suddenly feels like “lol, wutt”.
- Keeps you warm and healthy if you’re living in Wyoming… Yeah, if you’re in Wyoming, beard you shall. And moustache you shall. Or die you shall. The coldest state and no beard? Kamikaze!!
- Teaches discipline. Ever wondered why the soldiers get up early in the morning and do the same and super boring tasks, every day? Folding your sheets and other trivial tasks are very important for every military unit. The drill instructor will murder you until you learn to repeat the same task over and over again even in your sleep. That’s called discipline, muscle memory, and there comes a moment, you don’t care anymore, and you actually enjoy folding your sheets and clothes now! Try, will see! Teach yourself a new level of discipline, because the beard is not for the weak!
- It’s stylish. Nothing more to say.
- It’s official. Beard and moustaches have been around for so long. During the American Civil War, everyone was having the beard. Even in the Old Wild West after the war, under the burning hot Arizona sun, having no beard — was considered to be a suicidal move. A sign that you can be easily mugged, robbed, and shot until dead.
- It isolates you from society. Gives you kind of a subtle barrier between you and your adversaries or just people you don’t really like. It’s the same with clothes. Sometimes we do prefer to keep our jacket on, especially when in a company of strangers. A very well known tactic to introverts.
- You’re a part of a society. A family. We, the “beard operators” are so many, posting in blogs, forums, YouTube. You can also win the respect of the local Mujahideen. A sure way not to get harmed by terrorists. Because all terrorists have the beards. They, seeing you have the beard, “he must be one of us”. Now seriously, US Marines and other Military personnel had the beards in Iraq and Afghanistan, because the locals refused to cooperate with them! That changed quickly.
Hell on Wheels’ Cullen Bohannon. Hell on Wheels was a very popular show on AMC that ended a few months back. Based on a true story. The most badass TV character ever. Cullen Bohannon is a former Confederate States Army Cavalry Colonel and slave owner from Meridian, Mississippi. His family was slaughtered during the Civil War, and Bohannon sought revenge, moving him out west and introducing him to the Union Pacific Railroad.
- You can easily find beard care products online for that purpose. I recommend you buy a good, or even handmade beard oil first. I purchased a cheap beard oil from Latvia, Europe. Their brand is called Baron’s Wax and is hand made in Riga City, their capital. Latvia is a small country, and they do make some awesome stuff. I vouch for their products! No GMO, no chemicals. And the smell, mmm… Makes you wanna eat it. The beard oil helps against hair loss and promotes faster growth. They have cinnamon, almond oil, argan oil, jojoba oil, cedar oil, burdock oil, essential oil, and so many other.
- At a later stage, you can buy a beard wax. You can shape your beard and moustaches with the wax.
- Or use a beard balm. The balm falls somewhere in between the oil and the wax. The golden middle. But again, use at later stages.
- Shampoo using a regular shampoo, not soap. If you have a seborrea or a seborrhoeic dermatitis, use a specialized shampoo against dandruff. Gently scrub, not with nails, but with the soft of the fingers.
WHY IT ITCHES? I SHOWER REGULARLY.
Lel, okay. First, the problem’s not in you. It’s in your constant stupid shaving. When you introduce your razor blade and touch your facial hair with it, it cuts at a very sharp and sloped angle, maybe at 30°–40° angle. This sharp tilted cut turns your face hair exactly like a knife blade. Your hair follicle after each shave is now shaped into a nice chisel. When you finally decide to become a Viking, this razor sharp hair follicles will often hit your face, poking your soft skin and creating this very very unpleasant itch. It’s not a disease. It’s not a problem. It’s not something bad. But it’ll pass.
HOW TO STOP, OR AT LEAST DECREASE THE ITCH?
You can’t stop it. But you can decrease it. Use oils. If money are not a problem, you can even get a better product than the Latvian one.
Just go for one of the following renowned beard care product brands:
- Proraso (Italy)
- American Crew (USA)
- Bluebeard’s Revenge (England)
HOW TO STYLE IT?
Go to your local barber. He’ll or she’ll know.
And if you live in a small town or a village (it happens), carefully trim the rogue hair that pop up like crazy with a trimmer, removes your neckbeard; just shave everything below Adam’s apple. Actually, to be more exact, put your middle finger in the center of your Adam’s apple, then place your index finger on top of the middle finger, and shave everything beneath the index finger!
Don’t trim it way up because your face will look funny and retarded, and small. Small is not manly. People that trim their beard jawlines higher up — look so retarded. Keep it around the Adam’s apple.
PEOPLE WILL THINK I’M WITH ISIS (ISLAMIC COUNTRY)?
Do you really care what people think? You’ll always have the haters. Even Jesus had haters. Jesus did revive people and helped anyone that crossed his path, and still, people hated him for that. Don’t mind people.
Plus, it’s super modern now. This won’t happen. The biggest Hollywood names like Hugh Jackman, Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhaal, Tom Hardy and many others boost huge beards. And they look insanely good. Now not having a beard is considered dangerous. And to make things even worse, some people look like serial murderers when clean shaven. Don’t you agree?
And for those Walking Dead fans out there, don’t forget Negan and Rick’s beards.
And something fun for the end of the article…
WHY VIKINGS HAD BEARDS?
Anyone that has grown a full beard has probably been referred to as a Viking at some point in time. The overwhelming majority of Viking males had beards. However, they weren’t necessarily big, unkempt beards.
The beards of the Vikings intimidated enemies (and sometimes friends), and allowed men to express their personal style while serving the practical purpose of keeping them warm in the bitter cold Swedish weather.
Viking for life – How To Whatever