What not to do; and where not to go, while on Ganja!





What not to do; and where not to go,
while on Ganja!

I’m talking about the city. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The city. There’s a city called Ganja in the country Azerbaijan. No, I’m for real. Check this out yourself.

So while visiting Ganja city, there’s a cluster of strict rules people should follow, to stay safe. It’s not mandatory, but it’s recommended by #HowToWhatever, the greatest blog on Earth.


  • Don’t talk to cops. Never talk to cops.
    Usually talking to cops is fine. They’re people too, right? And there are super cool straight up cops. I have copper-friends myself. But while in Ganja, don’t. You can get into trouble. Cops are not your friends when you’re in Ganja city. They’re working, you’re not. You’re a tourist in a foreign land. Stay someplace safe. Like home…your car.
  • Don’t drink. Don’t ever drink.
    Listen. Ganja city is enough of an interesting city. Why do you want to visit more places? What’s up with the obsession? Drinking alcohol or taking drugs while in Ganja, you can worsen your own health. Same with mixing alcohols. You can’t just go and mix vodka, beer and liquors in the same night. You’re probably going to get alcohol poisoning, or if not, you’re gonna have a hell of a ruff day the next day you wake up.
  • Don’t talk too much.
    We people are a social species. We love to communicate. Even if we claim we’re anti-social, we still have some sort of a communication going on. Child abusers have the chats where they’re anonymous and communicate with innocent kids. The serial murderers have their victims. They talk to them. I know. Everyone wants to get heard. But while in Ganja city, shut the fuck up. Just shut it. You can say things you’ll later regret. Speaking from a personal experience. Also, don’t do gifts. Some people start liking everyone so much all of a sudden. And they’ll later regret the random expensive gift they just gave to a random person on the streets.
  • Don’t do math. Seriously, don’t.
    Trying to solve sophisticated mathematical problems is the last thing you want to do while in Azerbaijan, Ganja city. The brain won’t function correctly, and men can’t even multitask. So you’re gonna get things messed up pretty badly. Yes, you can do music and paint. You can art. But you can never math.
  • Don’t carry too much money on you, and don’t carry expensive electronics.
    No, I’m not underestimating your ability to keep your shit together. But I’m underestimating your ability to understand how biology works and how we humans have zero control over our brain functions when our electrical waves are impaired. You can lose expensive stuff and you won’t remember where. When in Ganja city, everything’s a movie. And you’re watching randomly selected scenes from a badly cut film. Don’t carry things on you that you don’t want to lose and won’t get over them if you do. Carry a beater phone, a few dollars, and your ID.
  • Don’t fight. Don’t get into arguments.
    Because you’re going to fail miserably. People say you’re gonna get the high boost and become a fierce warrior, but the only thing that’ll happen is your coordination will be impaired, and when in Ganja city, you’ll have the sound and probably the color hallucinations. Depends on the amount of Ganja you took. You could even have more severe symptoms, like nausea, heavier hallucinations, drowsiness. Don’t get your ass kicked in a fight.


  • When under the influence of Ganja city, don’t go swimming on the beach, especially at night.
    I’m not disputing your ability to swim, because you may very well be the swimming champion of the world, but when in the Ganja, don’t. Especially at night on unregulated beaches without lifeguards. A swift tide can pull you towards the sea and you can say goodbye to mamma.
  • Don’t climb anything, buildings, etc.
    Understand and remember this. Ganja is your friend. Ganja is to help you escape. Ganja is to enlighten you. Ganja is to help you go through your problems easily and give you strength. Ganja is not to make you Spider Man. If you want to parkour around the block, now’s not the time, dumbass.
  • Don’t travel long distances, to other towns or cities.
    Yes, you can drive. Especially if you have “training”. But going on a long distance, or even at night which is notably worse, you must be a complete moron. Because if a truck driver falls asleep and swings his 20-ton truck towards your pretty soft neck, it will break your neck like a dry German pretzel, and you won’t even understand what just happened because of greeny-green Mary awesome Jane.
  • Don’t visit your parents, or your GF or wife’s parents.
    Please, don’t make a fool outta yourself. Don’t embarrass yourself. You may think for a second you have the world at your hands, but it’s a false sense of security and power that’ll play a bad joke at you. You’re incompetent at making a good judgment when visiting the Ganja, Azerbaijan.
  • Don’t go to work if you’re not self-employed, or if people depend on you.
    I’m a writer. I stay in my office, I chill, I write. Don’t look at me. Don’t. I can smoke the whole world. You can’t. If you’re a doctor, you can’t while you’re on the job. You can get in jail, but that’s the least of your problems. The moral values, they matter. They make us who we are. Morals help us to not be animals.
  • Don’t go to the Zoo.
    This might sound retarded and like a super corny joke, but it’s real. A guy from my old city, the idiot hit a few blunts and then he decided to muscle with the bear. The bear didn’t perceived his hostile behavior as normal, and as you can already imagine, rekt the shit out of him. Rest in peace, unknown stoner person.

And we hate people to tell us what not to do. So what can we do?

Have sex, because it’ll multiply by 50 times. Play games. Have fun. Dance. Listen to some music, loud music, because the music will now sound not like a Dolby 7.1, but like a Dolby From Another Dimension 50.50

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