How long can you hold your pee?
Oh, man. You just got comfortable in the movie theater. The lights have dimmed and you’ve got a bunch of snacks and you’ve got to go pee. Try not to stare too much at that giant cup of pop you have sitting on the seat next to you. How are you going to get through this double feature without a whole lot of squirming and seat shifting?
Think about baseball! Think about your parents having sex!
Oh, right. Those don’t work with this kind of problem. That’s okay, though. Because we have a list of tips that’ll keep you so distracted that you’ll forget that you had to go pee. Ah, sorry about that. We weren’t trying to rub it in any. Anyway, here’s some help.
1 – Relax
Sure, that’s easy for us to say, we aren’t the ones desperately in need of a bathroom break. But seriously, if you concentrate on relaxing your pelvis and abdomen and doing this the same time you close the muscles around your urethra, you could buy yourself some time. At least it’ll give you another one of those great need to pee stories to share at a much better time and setting.
2 – Use Your Legs
Let’s assume that the voice in the back of your head screaming I have to pee so bad right now is fogging up your brain and you happen to be on your feet. Well, you are in luck as there is an easy solution. Just cross your legs. That’s right. Try to avoid doing the pee-pee dance and just cross your legs. Now if you are seated, this plan will not work. We repeat – it will not work.
3 – Sit Up Straight
Got pee? You bet! But when you are seated there is a method you can use that will give you a fighting chance in pushing off the urgency to whizz. It is accomplished by sitting up straight. What this does is it opens space for your insanely full bladder to fill. It takes the pressure off and if you press your thighs together you should be golden…well, unless that is a golden shower.
4 – Freeze
Here’s a wacky idea. The moment you heard that voice screaming I have to pee so bad right now, was a clue. One great way to hold it a little while longer is to just freeze in the position you were in when the idea of squeezing the lemon first hit you. If you change your positions too often, say from seated to standing, you’ll have trouble holding it much longer.
5 – Mind Over Matter
Here’s where you can play some mind games with yourself. Got pee? No you don’t! Tell yourself you do not require a bathroom break. Keep reinforcing the statement until you actually start to believe that the pain you are feeling in your lower gut has nothing to do with pee. Once you convince yourself you no longer have to go, chances are you won’t have to go.
6 – Condom
Okay. We don’t recommend this, but we knew someone who did this. Alright. It was us. But it was several years ago and related to a drunken party. Wear a condom. Hey, you never know but feeling something wrapped around your winky may be enough to give you the confidence that you really don’t have to take a leak. It’s not foolproof, but it may just save your life.
7 – The Tourniquet
This is one of those ideas that also must have been tested somewhere else but we read about it like it was some kind of Urban Legend or something. Using an elastic band, or that condom we just talked about, tie it around your wiener. Don’t tie it too tightly or you may become a steer. However, if done correctly, with medical precision, you could stretch your wait a little longer.
8 – The Distraction Method
We mentioned this earlier with comments about baseball and your folks doing the nasty. One really, really good way to put off having to hit the washroom is to fill your mind with other stuff. You know, things that make you think about anything other than pissing. The latest stock exchange quotes, the price of tea in China and anything else can help you forget about pee.
What Not To Do When You Need To Piss Like A Racehorse
We get it. That voice telling you I have to pee so bad right now just won’t leave you alone. It is stuck to you like a bad smell. It is everywhere you go and in everything you see. Sooner or later you are going to either cave or jump into the river so you can relieve yourself and not let on to anyone that the crazy way you’ve been acting was just because you felt like a nice cool dip.
Don’t Think About This
Waterfalls, running water, Tara Reid, the sound of that dripping faucet in the bathroom, your roommate gargling and the sound your neighbor’s dog makes when it has peanut butter stuck to the roof of its mouth. Do not, under any circumstances think of any of those things. They will make your bladder explode and this whole exercise would have been a waste of time.
Other things to keep out of your mind when you are fighting the urge to whizz include gay porn, straight porn, lesbian porn. Well, porn of any kind. Discussions about sporting injuries targeted at the groin and stories about operations that went terribly wrong in the same general area of the body. Are you still with us? Do you still have to pee? Did you make it through the movie?
You could always just order a small cup of pop and once you drain it during the movie, you could secretly um, refill it. Just be sure that you are seated somewhere where you can pull off this stupid human trick without getting caught. Getting caught whizzing in a drink cup in the back of a movie theater is a lot worse than just wetting your pants. It’s your call.
Need to pee stories – How to Whatever