Jobs That Don’t Suck My Soul, God I Hate My Job

office-cubicles

office-cubicles

Photo Credit: The Unemployed Misfortune

 Top Tips Revealing That I Hate My Job

I hate my cubicle. I hate the jerk in the cubicle next to me. I hate everyone in all the cubicles on this floor. I am so close to walking in here one day with a gun and clearing out some of the problems with this job. However, since I know I would likely end up being someone’s bitch in prison, I do everything in my power to make it through another miserable day in this dungeon.



Here’s a look at why I hate it here and how to tell I suck at my job.

1 – The Hours

Okay, I know. When I graduated from high school I had some kind of expectation that I’d be working steady at one point in my life. I didn’t really expect that to translate to eight hours a day, five days a week. I was shooting for something along the lines of five hours a day three or four days a week. This 40-hour work week is horrible. It’s not even fun at any point in the week.

2 – The Weekends

The days off I get are not even on the weekend and rarely are they two days back-to-back. That really tears it up when you want to go out and get plastered because it’s a day off and it happens to be a Tuesday. Who gets Tuesdays off? It’s stupid. Plus, one day off is not nearly enough to get plastered and recover before having to get stuck in that cramped, smelly cubicle again.

3 – The People

I hate everyone in this building. I don’t talk to anyone in the elevator, cafeteria, staff washroom or anywhere. That’s because no one here speaks to you unless they want something. Usually that something involves extra hours with no extra pay. I am not going to fall for that again. The first five times were okay, but now I know what’s going on and it won’t happen to me again.

4 – The Meetings

I think one reason why I hate my cubicle so much is that all of us in cubicles spend far too much time in meetings discussing stupid things. Yesterday it was to decide whether or not we should sing Happy Birthday in Spanish as well as English on staff birthdays. Who cares? I don’t want to learn the Spanish words unless they say something like “this is going to be your last birthday.”



i-hate-my-job

5 – The Management

The dolts I work for don’t know how to tell I suck at my job because they actually suck more at it than I do. They claim to have the book smarts but we all know that most of them either slept their way to management or were handed the jobs on the promise of some quality sleeping with staff options on those out of town conferences none of us cubicle people get to go on.

6 – The Pay

Actually, I have nothing to bitch about here. Typically the job you hate the most pays reasonably well so the complaints are usually about things that aren’t related to wages. I get regular raises, good benefits and access to a health club on the second floor of the building. Now that I think of it, I hate my cubicle but I don’t hate my pay check. Hmm, I think today’s payday.

7 – The Computers

Well, again, I don’t really have a lot of bad things to say here, either. Sure, the company keeps us using the best computers with the most up-to-date software and sends us out to get regular upgrades when the computers do as well. I can’t play Solitaire anymore because there’s some kind of tracking software in my computer but it does a good job of keeping my email in order.

8 – The Building

It’s a state-of-the-art facility. There are security measures in place everywhere. I can’t fart without three or four departments getting a memo about it. Aside from that massive chunk of paranoia, I feel pretty safe working here. That’s because no one is going to be able to smuggle in a gun. Anthrax, however, is a slightly different matter that doesn’t show on x-ray scans.



jobs-that-dont-suck

What Can I Do To Fix My Situation?

Aside from looking for jobs that don’t suck? Hey, there are millions of them and I think that’s why I’ve never actually jumped ship in the fifteen miserable years I’ve worked here. Any job that involves a room full of cubicles is going to be the same as this one. The only difference is that the view is going to be slightly different. I’ll still have corpsie-grey skin regardless.

My Advice To You

Don’t let my stories of sunshine and roses change your mind about becoming someone’s designated worker drone. You may actually enjoy it. In fact, I strongly suggest you give it a try to see whether or not it really is your calling. At the very least, you’ll get a good idea of what kind of job you won’t want for the rest of your life so you can dodge that bullet.

However, working in a cubicle has its advantages. Naturally, I can’t think of any right now off the top of my head but I’m sure there are a few pluses to this kind of monotonous work pattern. The chairs are kind of comfy if you get one of the older models that are not ergonomically designed. The old school chairs also stand up to much more abuse and can crack open a vending machine.

How To Actually Fall In Love With Your Cubicle

Two words: Count the hours. It’s true. If you can manage working in a cubicle because you have something to look forward to once you get out of it for the day, then you’ve licked it. All you need to do is have the right attitude to get you through the day, the week and the month. Once you master that, working in a cubicle will lead you to bigger and better things.



Please follow and like us:

How Long Can You Hold Your Pee

need-to-pee-stories

need-to-pee-storiesHow long can you hold your pee?

Oh, man. You just got comfortable in the movie theater. The lights have dimmed and you’ve got a bunch of snacks and you’ve got to go pee. Try not to stare too much at that giant cup of pop you have sitting on the seat next to you. How are you going to get through this double feature without a whole lot of squirming and seat shifting?

Think about baseball! Think about your parents having sex!

Oh, right. Those don’t work with this kind of problem. That’s okay, though. Because we have a list of tips that’ll keep you so distracted that you’ll forget that you had to go pee. Ah, sorry about that. We weren’t trying to rub it in any. Anyway, here’s some help.

1 – Relax

Sure, that’s easy for us to say, we aren’t the ones desperately in need of a bathroom break. But seriously, if you concentrate on relaxing your pelvis and abdomen and doing this the same time you close the muscles around your urethra, you could buy yourself some time. At least it’ll give you another one of those great need to pee stories to share at a much better time and setting.

got pee

2 – Use Your Legs

Let’s assume that the voice in the back of your head screaming I have to pee so bad right now is fogging up your brain and you happen to be on your feet. Well, you are in luck as there is an easy solution. Just cross your legs. That’s right. Try to avoid doing the pee-pee dance and just cross your legs. Now if you are seated, this plan will not work. We repeat – it will not work.

3 – Sit Up Straight

Got pee? You bet! But when you are seated there is a method you can use that will give you a fighting chance in pushing off the urgency to whizz. It is accomplished by sitting up straight. What this does is it opens space for your insanely full bladder to fill. It takes the pressure off and if you press your thighs together you should be golden…well, unless that is a golden shower.

4 – Freeze

Here’s a wacky idea. The moment you heard that voice screaming I have to pee so bad right now, was a clue. One great way to hold it a little while longer is to just freeze in the position you were in when the idea of squeezing the lemon first hit you. If you change your positions too often, say from seated to standing, you’ll have trouble holding it much longer.

Remove term: I have to pee so bad right now I have to pee so bad right now

5 – Mind Over Matter

Here’s where you can play some mind games with yourself. Got pee? No you don’t! Tell yourself you do not require a bathroom break. Keep reinforcing the statement until you actually start to believe that the pain you are feeling in your lower gut has nothing to do with pee. Once you convince yourself you no longer have to go, chances are you won’t have to go.

6 – Condom

Okay. We don’t recommend this, but we knew someone who did this. Alright. It was us. But it was several years ago and related to a drunken party. Wear a condom. Hey, you never know but feeling something wrapped around your winky may be enough to give you the confidence that you really don’t have to take a leak. It’s not foolproof, but it may just save your life.

7 – The Tourniquet

This is one of those ideas that also must have been tested somewhere else but we read about it like it was some kind of Urban Legend or something. Using an elastic band, or that condom we just talked about, tie it around your wiener. Don’t tie it too tightly or you may become a steer. However, if done correctly, with medical precision, you could stretch your wait a little longer.

8 – The Distraction Method

We mentioned this earlier with comments about baseball and your folks doing the nasty. One really, really good way to put off having to hit the washroom is to fill your mind with other stuff. You know, things that make you think about anything other than pissing. The latest stock exchange quotes, the price of tea in China and anything else can help you forget about pee.

What Not To Do When You Need To Piss Like A Racehorse

We get it. That voice telling you I have to pee so bad right now just won’t leave you alone. It is stuck to you like a bad smell. It is everywhere you go and in everything you see. Sooner or later you are going to either cave or jump into the river so you can relieve yourself and not let on to anyone that the crazy way you’ve been acting was just because you felt like a nice cool dip.

Don’t Think About This

Waterfalls, running water, Tara Reid, the sound of that dripping faucet in the bathroom, your roommate gargling and the sound your neighbor’s dog makes when it has peanut butter stuck to the roof of its mouth. Do not, under any circumstances think of any of those things. They will make your bladder explode and this whole exercise would have been a waste of time.

Other things to keep out of your mind when you are fighting the urge to whizz include gay porn, straight porn, lesbian porn. Well, porn of any kind. Discussions about sporting injuries targeted at the groin and stories about operations that went terribly wrong in the same general area of the body. Are you still with us? Do you still have to pee? Did you make it through the movie?

You could always just order a small cup of pop and once you drain it during the movie, you could secretly um, refill it. Just be sure that you are seated somewhere where you can pull off this stupid human trick without getting caught. Getting caught whizzing in a drink cup in the back of a movie theater is a lot worse than just wetting your pants. It’s your call.

Need to pee stories – How to Whatever

Please follow and like us:

How to grow a Viking beard

MAIN-PHOTO-BEARD-MUSCLE-TATTOO-MAN

MAIN-PHOTO-BEARD-MUSCLE-TATTOO-MAN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to grow a Viking beard

YOU CLICKED THE ARTICLE! SO I’M GUESSING YOU FINALLY WANT TO BE A PIRATE? JEEZUSS! 

You finally want to attract women? (Not that you can’t…) You want to look more manly? (Not that you’re not a man!) But maybe it’s time for you to grow, change your style a little bit; a new direction in life. Don’t be stylish, but be always better! Command respect instead. Because you know…by the looks they welcome, by the wits they see off. And by “them” I mean people, friends, and family, co-workers…and even your only sweetheart, or your girlfriends, wifeys. You are what you look like, often.

And there’s nothing bad about caring about yourself. “But women do it because they’re girls.” You did cared when you got your car in black or blue, right? Red, green. If you don’t really care, just get the pinky Camaro SS next time, my matey!

SECONDARY-BEARDED-MAN-BUSINESSMAN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“BUT WAIT. HAVING A BEARD IS SOOO…UGH.”


You think it’s hard to maintain, it itches like nuts, it’s difficult to clean; I’m having all these mashed potatoes and my grandma’s tomatoes in my man bush everytime I eat, mom. And I have this weird feeling of having a foreign object on my face all the time, man! …Yeah, almost all of this is true. But there’s the other side of the coin. It’s your perception of yourself and your surroundings that makes you who you are. And if you jump with distrust and dissatisfaction from the very beginning, it’s going to end up very badly, and you’re probably going to lose so much. You’re going to lose to ignorance. Don’t be that guy. Try new.


Because having a beard is fuuh nice. So fuuh nice. So now, straight to the point.

FULL-BEARD-VIKING-FASHION

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAVING A BEARD:

  1. Makes you look older and more mature.
  2. Attracts pussaay like the worm attracts the hungry fish.
  3. Attracts friends and investors like a billion dollars attract a gold-digga.
  4. Keeps your face and neck warm in the winter; and the cold breeze suddenly feels like “lol, wutt”.
  5. Keeps you warm and healthy if you’re living in Wyoming… Yeah, if you’re in Wyoming, beard you shall. And moustache you shall. Or die you shall. The coldest state and no beard? Kamikaze!!
  6. Teaches discipline. Ever wondered why the soldiers get up early in the morning and do the same and super boring tasks, every day? Folding your sheets and other trivial tasks are very important for every military unit. The drill instructor will murder you until you learn to repeat the same task over and over again even in your sleep. That’s called discipline, muscle memory, and there comes a moment, you don’t care anymore, and you actually enjoy folding your sheets and clothes now! Try, will see! Teach yourself a new level of discipline, because the beard is not for the weak!
  7. It’s stylish. Nothing more to say.
  8. It’s official. Beard and moustaches have been around for so long. During the American Civil War, everyone was having the beard. Even in the Old Wild West after the war, under the burning hot Arizona sun, having no beard — was considered to be a suicidal move. A sign that you can be easily mugged, robbed, and shot until dead.
  9. It isolates you from society. Gives you kind of a subtle barrier between you and your adversaries or just people you don’t really like. It’s the same with clothes. Sometimes we do prefer to keep our jacket on, especially when in a company of strangers. A very well known tactic to introverts.
  10. You’re a part of a society. A family. We, the “beard operators” are so many, posting in blogs, forums, YouTube. You can also win the respect of the local Mujahideen. A sure way not to get harmed by terrorists. Because all terrorists have the beards. They, seeing you have the beard, “he must be one of us”. Now seriously, US Marines and other Military personnel had the beards in Iraq and Afghanistan, because the locals refused to cooperate with them! That changed quickly.

CULLEN-BOHANNON

 

 

 

 

 

Hell on Wheels’ Cullen Bohannon. Hell on Wheels was a very popular show on AMC that ended a few months back. Based on a true story. The most badass TV character ever. Cullen Bohannon is a former Confederate States Army Cavalry Colonel and slave owner from Meridian, Mississippi. His family was slaughtered during the Civil War, and Bohannon sought revenge, moving him out west and introducing him to the Union Pacific Railroad.

HOW TO GROW THE BEARD:

  1. You can easily find beard care products online for that purpose. I recommend you buy a good, or even handmade beard oil first. I purchased a cheap beard oil from Latvia, Europe. Their brand is called Baron’s Wax and is hand made in Riga City, their capital. Latvia is a small country, and they do make some awesome stuff. I vouch for their products! No GMO, no chemicals. And the smell, mmm… Makes you wanna eat it. The beard oil helps against hair loss and promotes faster growth. They have cinnamon, almond oil, argan oil, jojoba oil, cedar oil, burdock oil, essential oil, and so many other.
  2. At a later stage, you can buy a beard wax. You can shape your beard and moustaches with the wax.
  3. Or use a beard balm. The balm falls somewhere in between the oil and the wax. The golden middle. But again, use at later stages.
  4. Shampoo using a regular shampoo, not soap. If you have a seborrea or a seborrhoeic dermatitis, use a specialized shampoo against dandruff. Gently scrub, not with nails, but with the soft of the fingers.


;

WHY IT ITCHES? I SHOWER REGULARLY.

Lel, okay. First, the problem’s not in you. It’s in your constant stupid shaving. When you introduce your razor blade and touch your facial hair with it, it cuts at a very sharp and sloped angle, maybe at 30°40° angle. This sharp tilted cut turns your face hair exactly like a knife blade. Your hair follicle after each shave is now shaped into a nice chisel. When you finally decide to become a Viking, this razor sharp hair follicles will often hit your face, poking your soft skin and creating this very very unpleasant itch. It’s not a disease. It’s not a problem. It’s not something bad. But it’ll pass.

HOW TO STOP, OR AT LEAST DECREASE THE ITCH?

You can’t stop it. But you can decrease it. Use oils. If money are not a problem, you can even get a better product than the Latvian one.

Just go for one of the following renowned beard oil care product brands:

  1. Proraso (Italy)
  2. American Crew (USA)
  3. Bluebeard’s Revenge (England)

HOW TO STYLE IT?

Go to your local barber. He’ll or she’ll know.

And if you live in a small town or a village (it happens), carefully trim the rogue hair that pop up like crazy with a trimmer, removes your neckbeard; just shave everything below Adam’s apple. Actually, to be more exact, put your middle finger in the center of your Adam’s apple, then place your index finger on top of the middle finger, and shave everything beneath the index finger!

Don’t trim it way up because your face will look funny and retarded, and small. Small is not manly. People that trim their beard jawlines higher up — look so retarded. Keep it around the Adam’s apple.

PEOPLE WILL THINK I’M WITH ISIS (ISLAMIC COUNTRY)?

Do you really care what people think? You’ll always have the haters. Even Jesus had haters. Jesus did revive people and helped anyone that crossed his path, and still, people hated him for that. Don’t mind people.

Plus, it’s super modern now. This won’t happen. The biggest Hollywood names like Hugh Jackman, Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhaal, Tom Hardy and many others boost huge beards. And they look insanely good. Now not having a beard is considered dangerous. And to make things even worse, some people look like serial murderers when clean shaven. Don’t you agree?

And for those Walking Dead fans out there, don’t forget Negan and Rick’s beards.

And something fun for the end of the article…

VIKINGS-TV-SHOW

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHY VIKINGS HAD BEARDS?

Anyone that has grown a full beard has probably been referred to as a Viking at some point in time. The overwhelming majority of Viking males had beards. However, they weren’t necessarily big, unkempt beards.

The beards of the Vikings intimidated enemies (and sometimes friends), and allowed men to express their personal style while serving the practical purpose of keeping them warm in the bitter cold Swedish weather.

Viking for life – How To Whatever


Please follow and like us:

Really Funny Joke Mini Series – Public Restrooms

Really Funny Joke Mini Series Public Restrooms

Really Funny Joke Mini Series Public Restrooms

Really Funny Joke Mini Series Guide #1 – How To Public Restrooms

Going to the public restroom can be a really funny joke sometimes. The feeling having to use the public restroom can make your skin crawl. Everybody loves when they get that grumbling sound in their stomach when they are out in a public place. We all know that feeling, and when it comes time to choose the best toilet seat in a restroom, it can be hell! So let’s get started! How to Public Restrooms!

 

Keys to the Golden Throne

It is a really funny joke when you have to ask for keys to the bathroom. Am I not good enough to use your bathroom? This usually means you should not be using this bathroom. They keep it locked up for all the junkies. You don’t want sit on that toilet, you might get crabs or chlamydia. Avoid bathrooms that you need to ask for keys! If you wont do it for yourself, do it for your children for god sake!

 

Self Heated Toilet Seat

Sure, I am sure their are some of you that own your very own heated best toilet seat money can buy. I bet you were not thinking about the last person that sat on that potty!. All the stalls are locked and you see a big burly 400 pound fat man walk out one of them. What do you do?, but you have to go really bad. You risk it, clinching your teeth as you feel the warmth. Ha! Want to puke yet? We have all done it, but try to avoid this if you haven’t, it is a terrible feeling.

 

Curly Q’s

Double check your seat next time before you sit down. The last person that could have been their, might have been Sasquatch pinching off a deer loaf. How many people like the so called public hair anymore? Shave that sh*t you gorilla. So if you see a toilet seat with curly q’s on them and decide to sit on it, you better rethink your life choices.

 

Sanitizer Is Your Best Friend

All clean jokes aside. Sanitizer can be your best friend. Always carry a bottle in your back pocket for most dirty situations. You can squirt a piece of tissue and wipe it off. Bam!, you got the cleanest best toilet seat ever! Plus you can use it to put on your hands after shaking hand’s with your boss. We all know boss’s don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom.

 

Toilet Battle Armor

Some bathrooms have seat covers. Battle up and slay that dragon! You know you found a good bathroom to pinch a loaf in, if they have toilet seat covers. You can even double your protection, by using your sanitizer and using a cover.

 

That wraps it up for the Really Funny Joke Mini Series – Public Restrooms Guide. I have one more thing to ask, when you go the bathroom to do number 2. Do you pull fold your toilet paper, or do you crumble it up to wipe? Hey, who would think of these things? Let me know in the comments if this is entertaining, Thanks!

 

Really Funny Joke Mini Series – Public Restrooms – How to Whatever

 

 

 

Please follow and like us:

How to Reach Zen or The Right Way to Zen

how to reach zen

how-to-reach-zen-state

How to Reach Zen or The Right Way

How to reach zen or the right way to zen? What is this guy talking about? It is 6:35 am and you drag your lifeless body in this hell you call work. You sit down at the office, turn your computer on, next thing you know you hear the the sound of a screeching banshee. Oh wait that is your boss saying “Mr. Johnson you are late”. He walks away like a slithering snake in to a pile of rocks. Then you hear “Hey buddy! Did you sleep in?”. Coming from your annoying coworker that doesn’t do jack all day. I am sure a bunch of you can relate. Here, I will show you the light and cast the demons back to hell and show you how to reach zen state or the right way to zen.

the right way to zen



What is Zen?

Personally I thought it was a Chinese cookie. I am going to dumb this down as much as possible without going into where Zen came from. Basically it can have different meanings, but the way I take it is, it’s all about self control and just do it. Have a don’t know attitude and just do it. As hard as it may seem, even though you may want to punch your boss in the face, you can learn how to reach a zen state.

how to reach zen state

 

How to Reach Zen

1. Focus on the now

First step is to focus on the now. Don’t worry about what you are going to make for dinner tonight. Don’t think that you may go home tonight to find your husband in bed with another women. Although she is pretty hot. Just worry about what is in front of you at that current moment. One step at a time my dear friend.

 

2. Failing is not an option

If you do fail, get your ass back up and try again. Momma don’t like them quitters. You will never learn how to reach a zen state if you just give up. We all learn from our mistakes. This is my third crack at a website and boy I still suck, but I am trying like hell. I enjoy this and I would like to make it a full time job.

 

3.  The Don’t know State

Take each situation as you don’t know what may happen. I am sure by now you are like “man this how to whatever guy has no clue what he is talking about.” I would say about 93%, I don’t know what I am talking about.

Yay! Example time! You never know what the future holds and you can not dwell on that. Pretend your driving on a highway, you could be splattered any minute by a semi truck, but you never really thought about it like that. Technically you have already learned how to reach the state, but never knew it. So you don’t know.



Is this Article Over Yet? No, We didn’t Reach Zen Yet

Ask questions! Yay! Gold star. Always ask questions to the answers. We take answers for granted, thinking experts know it all. I bet they didn’t learn how to reach zen. Suck on that Trebek!

So have we hit our destination yet? Good, my job is done here. I will see you cat’s on the flip flop! If you enjoyed my article about how to reach zen or any of my other ridiculous articles please tell me in the comments below. Or if you just hate my sense of humor tell me in the comments as well! Come on people give me some feedback! I’m dying over here! See you next time!

How to reach zen – How To Whatever!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please follow and like us: