How to grow a Viking beard

MAIN-PHOTO-BEARD-MUSCLE-TATTOO-MAN

MAIN-PHOTO-BEARD-MUSCLE-TATTOO-MAN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to grow a Viking beard

YOU CLICKED THE ARTICLE! SO I’M GUESSING YOU FINALLY WANT TO BE A PIRATE? JEEZUSS! 

You finally want to attract women? (Not that you can’t…) You want to look more manly? (Not that you’re not a man!) But maybe it’s time for you to grow, change your style a little bit; a new direction in life. Don’t be stylish, but be always better! Command respect instead. Because you know…by the looks they welcome, by the wits they see off. And by “them” I mean people, friends, and family, co-workers…and even your only sweetheart, or your girlfriends, wifeys. You are what you look like, often.

And there’s nothing bad about caring about yourself. “But women do it because they’re girls.” You did cared when you got your car in black or blue, right? Red, green. If you don’t really care, just get the pinky Camaro SS next time, my matey!

SECONDARY-BEARDED-MAN-BUSINESSMAN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“BUT WAIT. HAVING A BEARD IS SOOO…UGH.”


You think it’s hard to maintain, it itches like nuts, it’s difficult to clean; I’m having all these mashed potatoes and my grandma’s tomatoes in my man bush everytime I eat, mom. And I have this weird feeling of having a foreign object on my face all the time, man! …Yeah, almost all of this is true. But there’s the other side of the coin. It’s your perception of yourself and your surroundings that makes you who you are. And if you jump with distrust and dissatisfaction from the very beginning, it’s going to end up very badly, and you’re probably going to lose so much. You’re going to lose to ignorance. Don’t be that guy. Try new.


Because having a beard is fuuh nice. So fuuh nice. So now, straight to the point.

FULL-BEARD-VIKING-FASHION

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAVING A BEARD:

  1. Makes you look older and more mature.
  2. Attracts pussaay like the worm attracts the hungry fish.
  3. Attracts friends and investors like a billion dollars attract a gold-digga.
  4. Keeps your face and neck warm in the winter; and the cold breeze suddenly feels like “lol, wutt”.
  5. Keeps you warm and healthy if you’re living in Wyoming… Yeah, if you’re in Wyoming, beard you shall. And moustache you shall. Or die you shall. The coldest state and no beard? Kamikaze!!
  6. Teaches discipline. Ever wondered why the soldiers get up early in the morning and do the same and super boring tasks, every day? Folding your sheets and other trivial tasks are very important for every military unit. The drill instructor will murder you until you learn to repeat the same task over and over again even in your sleep. That’s called discipline, muscle memory, and there comes a moment, you don’t care anymore, and you actually enjoy folding your sheets and clothes now! Try, will see! Teach yourself a new level of discipline, because the beard is not for the weak!
  7. It’s stylish. Nothing more to say.
  8. It’s official. Beard and moustaches have been around for so long. During the American Civil War, everyone was having the beard. Even in the Old Wild West after the war, under the burning hot Arizona sun, having no beard — was considered to be a suicidal move. A sign that you can be easily mugged, robbed, and shot until dead.
  9. It isolates you from society. Gives you kind of a subtle barrier between you and your adversaries or just people you don’t really like. It’s the same with clothes. Sometimes we do prefer to keep our jacket on, especially when in a company of strangers. A very well known tactic to introverts.
  10. You’re a part of a society. A family. We, the “beard operators” are so many, posting in blogs, forums, YouTube. You can also win the respect of the local Mujahideen. A sure way not to get harmed by terrorists. Because all terrorists have the beards. They, seeing you have the beard, “he must be one of us”. Now seriously, US Marines and other Military personnel had the beards in Iraq and Afghanistan, because the locals refused to cooperate with them! That changed quickly.

CULLEN-BOHANNON

 

 

 

 

 

Hell on Wheels’ Cullen Bohannon. Hell on Wheels was a very popular show on AMC that ended a few months back. Based on a true story. The most badass TV character ever. Cullen Bohannon is a former Confederate States Army Cavalry Colonel and slave owner from Meridian, Mississippi. His family was slaughtered during the Civil War, and Bohannon sought revenge, moving him out west and introducing him to the Union Pacific Railroad.

HOW TO GROW THE BEARD:

  1. You can easily find beard care products online for that purpose. I recommend you buy a good, or even handmade beard oil first. I purchased a cheap beard oil from Latvia, Europe. Their brand is called Baron’s Wax and is hand made in Riga City, their capital. Latvia is a small country, and they do make some awesome stuff. I vouch for their products! No GMO, no chemicals. And the smell, mmm… Makes you wanna eat it. The beard oil helps against hair loss and promotes faster growth. They have cinnamon, almond oil, argan oil, jojoba oil, cedar oil, burdock oil, essential oil, and so many other.
  2. At a later stage, you can buy a beard wax. You can shape your beard and moustaches with the wax.
  3. Or use a beard balm. The balm falls somewhere in between the oil and the wax. The golden middle. But again, use at later stages.
  4. Shampoo using a regular shampoo, not soap. If you have a seborrea or a seborrhoeic dermatitis, use a specialized shampoo against dandruff. Gently scrub, not with nails, but with the soft of the fingers.


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WHY IT ITCHES? I SHOWER REGULARLY.

Lel, okay. First, the problem’s not in you. It’s in your constant stupid shaving. When you introduce your razor blade and touch your facial hair with it, it cuts at a very sharp and sloped angle, maybe at 30°40° angle. This sharp tilted cut turns your face hair exactly like a knife blade. Your hair follicle after each shave is now shaped into a nice chisel. When you finally decide to become a Viking, this razor sharp hair follicles will often hit your face, poking your soft skin and creating this very very unpleasant itch. It’s not a disease. It’s not a problem. It’s not something bad. But it’ll pass.

HOW TO STOP, OR AT LEAST DECREASE THE ITCH?

You can’t stop it. But you can decrease it. Use oils. If money are not a problem, you can even get a better product than the Latvian one.

Just go for one of the following renowned beard oil care product brands:

  1. Proraso (Italy)
  2. American Crew (USA)
  3. Bluebeard’s Revenge (England)

HOW TO STYLE IT?

Go to your local barber. He’ll or she’ll know.

And if you live in a small town or a village (it happens), carefully trim the rogue hair that pop up like crazy with a trimmer, removes your neckbeard; just shave everything below Adam’s apple. Actually, to be more exact, put your middle finger in the center of your Adam’s apple, then place your index finger on top of the middle finger, and shave everything beneath the index finger!

Don’t trim it way up because your face will look funny and retarded, and small. Small is not manly. People that trim their beard jawlines higher up — look so retarded. Keep it around the Adam’s apple.

PEOPLE WILL THINK I’M WITH ISIS (ISLAMIC COUNTRY)?

Do you really care what people think? You’ll always have the haters. Even Jesus had haters. Jesus did revive people and helped anyone that crossed his path, and still, people hated him for that. Don’t mind people.

Plus, it’s super modern now. This won’t happen. The biggest Hollywood names like Hugh Jackman, Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhaal, Tom Hardy and many others boost huge beards. And they look insanely good. Now not having a beard is considered dangerous. And to make things even worse, some people look like serial murderers when clean shaven. Don’t you agree?

And for those Walking Dead fans out there, don’t forget Negan and Rick’s beards.

And something fun for the end of the article…

VIKINGS-TV-SHOW

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHY VIKINGS HAD BEARDS?

Anyone that has grown a full beard has probably been referred to as a Viking at some point in time. The overwhelming majority of Viking males had beards. However, they weren’t necessarily big, unkempt beards.

The beards of the Vikings intimidated enemies (and sometimes friends), and allowed men to express their personal style while serving the practical purpose of keeping them warm in the bitter cold Swedish weather.

Viking for life – How To Whatever


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Really Funny Joke Mini Series – Public Restrooms

Really Funny Joke Mini Series Public Restrooms

Really Funny Joke Mini Series Public Restrooms

Really Funny Joke Mini Series Guide #1 – How To Public Restrooms

Going to the public restroom can be a really funny joke sometimes. The feeling having to use the public restroom can make your skin crawl. Everybody loves when they get that grumbling sound in their stomach when they are out in a public place. We all know that feeling, and when it comes time to choose the best toilet seat in a restroom, it can be hell! So let’s get started! How to Public Restrooms!

 

Keys to the Golden Throne

It is a really funny joke when you have to ask for keys to the bathroom. Am I not good enough to use your bathroom? This usually means you should not be using this bathroom. They keep it locked up for all the junkies. You don’t want sit on that toilet, you might get crabs or chlamydia. Avoid bathrooms that you need to ask for keys! If you wont do it for yourself, do it for your children for god sake!

 

Self Heated Toilet Seat

Sure, I am sure their are some of you that own your very own heated best toilet seat money can buy. I bet you were not thinking about the last person that sat on that potty!. All the stalls are locked and you see a big burly 400 pound fat man walk out one of them. What do you do?, but you have to go really bad. You risk it, clinching your teeth as you feel the warmth. Ha! Want to puke yet? We have all done it, but try to avoid this if you haven’t, it is a terrible feeling.

 

Curly Q’s

Double check your seat next time before you sit down. The last person that could have been their, might have been Sasquatch pinching off a deer loaf. How many people like the so called public hair anymore? Shave that sh*t you gorilla. So if you see a toilet seat with curly q’s on them and decide to sit on it, you better rethink your life choices.

 

Sanitizer Is Your Best Friend

All clean jokes aside. Sanitizer can be your best friend. Always carry a bottle in your back pocket for most dirty situations. You can squirt a piece of tissue and wipe it off. Bam!, you got the cleanest best toilet seat ever! Plus you can use it to put on your hands after shaking hand’s with your boss. We all know boss’s don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom.

 

Toilet Battle Armor

Some bathrooms have seat covers. Battle up and slay that dragon! You know you found a good bathroom to pinch a loaf in, if they have toilet seat covers. You can even double your protection, by using your sanitizer and using a cover.

 

That wraps it up for the Really Funny Joke Mini Series – Public Restrooms Guide. I have one more thing to ask, when you go the bathroom to do number 2. Do you pull fold your toilet paper, or do you crumble it up to wipe? Hey, who would think of these things? Let me know in the comments if this is entertaining, Thanks!

 

Really Funny Joke Mini Series – Public Restrooms – How to Whatever

 

 

 

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9 Reasons Why You Should Start Smoking Weed

why you should start smoking weed

why-you-should-start-smoking-weed

9 Top Reasons Why You Should Start Smoking Weed

Why you should start smoking weed you may ask? Oh don’t get me started. I could be high right now as I write this. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. Millions of people have ridden of their pain and their midnight munchies go away. The fact is not one person has died from weed, but yet how many people have died from drinking alcohol? Hmm Let me show you the way to why you should start smoking weed!

 

1. Let’s Build a Snowman

Weed can spark tons of creativity. What do you do when you are bored? Smoke! What happens after you smoke? You think of the weirdest things, and it could be your next million dollar idea. You know that thing your holding in your hand called an iphone or ipod? Yes that is right, Steve Jobs got high too! Tons of artist smoke and let the juices flow. Whether you want to get high and build a snow man or crochet a blanket while high. It will spark tons of ideas.

 

2. Why You Should Start Smoking Weed To Stay Sane

Have you ever walked in to the office on a Monday, your boss is up your ass, and you coworkers are annoying the sh*t out of you. You feel angry and that you could snap any minute. Your about to transform into Jackie Chan, and round house kick off Brian’s head. You then relax and realize it is almost over and you got a big fat juicy bowl of weed at home, just waiting for you.

Reason you you should start smoking weed in your personal is because it can relax those tense moments. Nothing like a hard day at work and coming and taking few hits to say sane. That relaxing moment of Ahhhh! You shout “Victory” like a heathen.

Smoking helps relax the muscles in the body and helps relieve stress. Here is a study to show that micro dosing or even one puff of a blunt can help reduce stress.

 

3. Sleeping and Smoking Weed

I have to be honest, this is my favorite time to smoke weed. Long day at work, kid screaming his head off, mother in law driving me nuts! The end of the day is the best time to start smoking weed. Preferably a bowl. I am not a joint kind of guy.

Again the reason you should start smoking weed is to get a better night sleep. Take like 3-4 puffs, then bam your are right off to see the sandman. No not Metallica’s Sandman, F that song for being overplayed in the 90’s. Depending on the strain, but make sure you get Indica strains or you will be painting the bathroom your wife has been asking you to do for years.

4. The Magic Cure

The cannabis oil from weed plants has shown to treat all kinds of problems. Depression, anxiety, epilepsy, and anorexia. Boy, I sure like my hot pockets after smoking a fat bowl. The main reason why you should start smoking weed is because it is way more natural then taking these terrible drugs. Their are so many studies to how weed has helped patients as where to these drugs doctors just throw out like candy, don’t do anything. I wish the doc would give me some good stuff!

 

5. Everything is a Comedy

Everything is funny when you start smoking weed. You could be watching a horror movie and it will be funny. Of course some horror movies are just so bad, that they are funny. Your best bet is to watch a movie you find hilarious sober. Smoke a joint and watch it again. I promise you will laugh your ass off!  Big Lebowski, I am just saying.

 

6. Cannibas Corpse Music

Best reason why you should start smoking weed. Music sounds amazing high. I personally listen to metal. Man, getting high and headbanging to some Dying Fetus, man that is a good time. Nothing like killing some more brain cells.

The feeling high while listening to music is indescribable. You actually feel the kick of the bass in your whole body. The passion of vocals in the voice, and the thrash of the guitar. Wait, sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yea, music. It is also for when trying to write music. Try it sometime, Garth Brooks!

 

7. Weed Sex

Yes, you heard me. The guys just popped a boner and women are like where is my dealer when I need him! Studies show 1-3 women struggle to have an orgasm. See, there is a reason why you should start smoking weed. It increases the senses of things and it is helps get that fire started. Everybody wants love, and wants it. The exact reason why you should start smoking weed.

8. Weed and Violence

Crime would come down drastically, less road rage, and less shootings would happen. If we could go right down to the local gas station and grab a dime, I know that I could home safe. Dealing with shady people sucks, and you never know what you are going to get. Nobody would be driving mad because they would be relaxed. Maybe Kim Jong Un would be less an asshole and everybody would love Trump! Damn Democrats!

 

9. Drum Roll Please…….

Making the decision for why you should start smoking weed is quite obvious. There is no proof that weed has any terrible effects. The government has regulated it for a long time and it is time to legalize it everywhere. They controlled the liquor, tobacco and now holding weed is the last thing they got. We can set it free and let people choose to if they want to start smoking weed. For whatever the reason maybe. Enjoyment, relaxing, or whether for pain. Think about someone else’s needs, instead of your own agenda.

If you have enjoyed this article please comment down below and like, share and subscribe for more silly blogs.

Why You Should Start Smoking Weed – How To Whatever

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Chewing Tobacco Spittoon Online Guide for Rednecks

chew tobacco accessories

chew-tobacco-accessories

 

Chewing Tobacco Spittoon Online Funny How to Guide for Rednecks

 

chewing tobacco online

The ultimate chewing tobacco spittoon online funny how to guide for rednecks is finally here! You are going to laugh and you may even be grossed out by the end of this, but I am sure you can some how relate to the same snuff spit cup experiences just as I have. Shall we begin?

So according to the CDC’s chart we have here to our left. Roughly 6% of the 18 years and older, chew snuff. I wonder how many of them still have teeth left? And men guess what?, if your looking for that dream dipping women, I think your out of your luck. Well now that we know these useless facts, let’s get to the knitty gritty!

 



First Time Dippers

We all have our first time dipper stories. Before that was great and now we continue to be a slave to this little plastic can filled with mother nature’s leaves. Oh and some ground razor blades and battery acid. I am sure it is fine. Cough…CDC!…Cough!

I remember when I lost my virginity for the first time. No I am not talking about sex here. I’m talking bout putting a dip in you fool!  I was offered this gig at a metal festival by this chick I worked with at Taco Bell. Their is another story to this, but we need to keep this a G rating please. So I took this gig and when I got there, I was told to do parking lot duty. What a bummer!

So this guy has his trunk open an says “Hey you want some free chewing tobacco?”. I said “Sure”. So I took it and finished the gig. Later that night I took a dip, burned like a son of a b! Yeah, you know that feeling bro!

 

How To Tell Your Parents You Chew Snuff

You don’t tell them! They find out because your a moron and did not hide your can of snuff good enough. Your parents spend two grand on braces for your teeth, they are probably not going to be happy. Least they didn’t find your porn stash!

chewing tobacco spittoon

 

Chewing Tobacco Spittoon

Along with the jaw tearing benefits comes the great chewing tobacco spittoon or the snuff spit cup. You got 2 kinds of chewers.

  • Non-Spitters (Usually big burly men with long beards, and chest hair like a forest, and hot looking women. )

 

  • Spitters (You can usually find them at your local Walmart, carrying an empty bottle with them.)

 

Spitters are what makes the world go round. They are your average everyday hard working man. I am the reason you are able to post on Facebook on your little gadget you call a cellphone, but I call a laptop, so don’t knock on the spitters. Sounds like a terrible name for an alien movie.



 

The Top 9 Chewing Tobacco Spittoon Online Hits List

 

 

Strategically placed snuff spit cups

Us men know how to place them everywhere. One in the bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, and the truck. We have to have them everywhere. Ladies, it is what we call Feng shui! I have to deal with your stupid candles, so I have to counter the attack.

 

Multiple spitters

Guilty! I have had up to three or four chewing tobacco spittoons all in one spot. Listen their is a reason. If one gets full, you got a back up. No waiting until a commercial comes on, or waiting for the match of Call of Duty to be over to spit. We just tend to fill them up and forget about them.

 

Anything is game

You are sitting on the couch, and you just put the biggest dip of your life in. Ten minutes later, you realized you don’t have spitter. Sh*t what do I do? You quickly react and ask your wife to chug the rest of the water in her bottle. Bam! Wife saves the day!

We will spit in just about anything. Water bottles, soda pop cans, shower tub, urinals and gallon tea jugs. This has gotten me in trouble as well. Me and my buddies were driving and we stopped at that gas station to get some drinks. I bought a coke of course.I already had a coke bottle half full of spit in the car. Then we take off driving along, driving along, I picked up my one to drink and accidentally and felt the slimy chunks run down my throat. I slammed on the breaks, threw open the door and puked my guts out. So be careful, watch your diet cokes very very carefully.

 

Spittoon Derailment

How many times have you left your chewing tobacco spittoon with out the cap on or spit cup to where it can get knocked over? Thousands, I tell you! The humanity! Tobacco spit does not come out of carpets very well. We all know this. Look guys, I am just trying to save you from your wife’s! Or has your your new born came over to take a look and think’s it’s something they can put in their mouth! Yep, fess up you been their!chewing tobacco online

Choose your tobacco accessories very carefully! If it is a bottle keep the lid on and rip the label off. Just do it damn it, cause if I drink your spit, I am going to be pissed. Choose an online bought spill proof spittoon. They are convenient, and they come with a lid. No more spilling your spit on your buddies when your drunk out of your mind.

 

 

Sleeping while chewing

Yes we have all woken up, choking on our spit. Falling asleep and waking up choking sucks! You scramble to grab whatever your chewing tobacco spittoon and get it out of your mouth before your friends say “what a tragedy, he choked on his own snuff.”. Do you know how embarrassing that would be. You can’t go out like that man!

 

Wet Wads! Oh My!

Stop leaving your wads of snuff in the walking path! We have all gotten out of the car and seen Uncle Jedediah’s big ole wad laying in the parking lot. Staring up at us just like we had seen a ghost. Is it really that hard to to throw it in a spittoon or the trash can you just walked by walking into the front entrance of Walmart. Come on!

Also their is nothing like going to the the public bathroom and hanging your junk over big old wad while trying to not hit it with your piss. Nothing like the lovey aroma of dehydrated piss and Cherry Skoal. Hmmm.. Maybe they should make that into a candle scent.

 

why am I spitting so much

 

Packing your can

Every redneck knows that it is crucial we pack our snuff. Listen up noobs! Rule number one! Pack your can or face the consequences. Try putting a loose dip in! You will end up like this guy —>

Rule number 2. Make sure your lid is on tight. Having the lid on loose and trying to pack it, turns in to a snuff shower. Least your couch will smell fresh and minty. Unless you chew Copenhagen, then it will smell like you just rolled in some dirt and haven’t taken a shower in a 9 days. Here is a little tutorial on how to pack your snuff.

Never run out

Carrying multiple cans of snuff means life or death. Survival of the fittest! Running out of chewing tobacco is like losing your pet iguana. First comes anger, then sadness. You will be missed Joey!

I always carry a minimal of 3 cans. It is the perfect number. One for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Easy to remember right? 3 cans will get through the day, carrying anymore in your pocket, people are start thinking you have a hip problem.

Always save bottles for your chewing tobacco spittoon. One time I was at a stop light and this truck pulled up next to me. I happen to look over and I saw this redneck turn his head to the passenger side, and just spit right on the floor of the truck! You don’t want the floor boards of your 57 Chevy rotting out, with your rebel flags flapping in the wind.

 

Putt a dip in before you die

I don’t know about you, but I have to put a dip in right before I do anything. I put a dip in before work, before playing a game, before I take a sh*t, and just about before anything. It is like warming up at the gym before you go slam some weights around. It’s like getting ready for that next fight. If I had to save someone hanging off a cliff, I would have to put in a dip first. Hope I have a dip in before I die.

 

Well ladies and gentlemen that wraps up the top 9 chewing tobacco spittoon online hit list. I hope you have enjoyed this article, and I am sure some of you rednecks can relate. Yes I know chewing tobacco spittoons are gross, but hey, it is a funny how to topic! Thank you and see you next time.

 

chewing tobacco spittoon

 

 

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